ÿþ<html> <title>MFL IMPACT - Blogs</title> <body bgcolor="000044" link="FFFFFF" vlink="FFFFFF"> <center> <table border="0" cellspacing="4"> <tr> <td colspan="2" valign="top" align="center"> <img src="/mflimpact/header.jpg"><br> <IMG SRC="/mflimpact/menu.jpg" USEMAP="#console" BORDER="0"> <MAP NAME="console"> <AREA SHAPE="rect" coords="0,1,80,19" href="/index.html"> <AREA SHAPE="rect" coords="150,1,360,19" href="/teams.html"> <AREA SHAPE="rect" coords="430,1,580,19" href="/league.html"> <AREA SHAPE="rect" coords="650,1,780,19" href="/draft.html"> <AREA SHAPE="rect" coords="840,1,900,19" href="http://games.espn.go.com/ffl/leagueoffice?leagueId=5562"> </MAP> <br> <img src="/mflimpact/line.jpg"><br> <font color="000000" face="verdana" size="2"> <br> <img src="/mflimpact/ladies.jpg"><br> <embed src="/mflimpact/ladies.mp3" autostart="true" width="200" height="15" volume="50"></embed><br> <br> </font> </td> </tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="000000" valign="top" width="450" cellpadding="6"> <font color="aa9944" face="arial" size="2"> <center> <img src="/mflmipact/mrwlink.jpg"> </center> <center> <p>Friday, October 7 <p><i>Quarter Pounding</i> </center> <p>The season is ¼ of the way over and we have some pretty heated races going on in the league. We still have two undefeated teams at 4 and Oh& .we re undefeated woohoo, and three team at 3 and 1. Then we have the battle of the winless that are Oh-fer& and never mind. <p>So& with a season a quarter of the way cashed, let s take a brief look at what I feel are the current power rankings in the league. <ol> <li>Canton Cougars. It literally is a coin flip with Orlando, I just like some of the personnel better on Canton. No it s not, Megatron is a freaking beast!!</li> <li>Orlando Oracles: MVP is the Defense! Respecting the 4-0 mark for 2nd slot. </li> <li>Missouri Peregrines: Division leader gets respect from Mr.W. God forbid his backfield takes off. If they do& get the hell outta the way! </li> <li>Miami Mafia: Hard not to keep a nervous eye on the schedule for a team averaging 36.75 pts a game. But it seems like it is boom or bust. What is the real team? Week one which got 15 pts against Orlando, or Week 4 which dropped 51? </li> <li>Ft. Wayne Freedom: If not for Orlando s D/ST scoring twice& Solid Club right here!! </li> <li>New York Lynx: Injuries have bitten them early. If they can stay healthy they can make a late run to post season again! </li> <li>Chicago Ravens: Points and more points. Tolbert was his saving grace last year. He might be the fall from grace for them this year. </li> <li>Pittsburgh Spears: Who woulda thought Eli was going to be the bread winner? </li> <li>Arkdale Aardvarks: Cam Newton is ROY hands down. This club is going places and the Western Division is here by put on notice for next year! </li> <li>Dowagiac Chefs: If Felix and Mathews can stay healthy and get it going, the wins will come. </li> <li>D.C. Dinosaurs: The talent is here, just not producing. </li> <li>South Bend Scraps: Paging Peyton Hillis& .Peyton Hillis PLEASE answer the white courtesy phone& Peyton Hillis& .your needed on the field!! </li> </ol> <p> Will be back with a midway report after week 8. Stay classy MFL!! <p>Regards, <p><i>Mr. W</i> <center> <p>Tuesday, July 19 <p><i>An Early Look at 2011</i> </center> <p> It is appearing the lock-out is coming to an end, and it is appearing we are going to have an actual season. I think most MFL owners/coaches are seeing the same thing with the bombardment of trades this month. Nothing makes Mr.W more happy than seeing active owners willing (as MFL Lockdown likes to state  Shake the MFL World ) and able to make moves and keep people interested. Miami is facing stiff competition in the shake and bake department with the D.C. Dinos. Speaking of these two teams they had probably the biggest headline move of the summer so far. Only thing that would trump that is if conservative Drew Kuespert decides to pull the trigger on dealing A.P. But my sources inside say that is not happening and A.P. will be donning the Brown and Gold one more year. Can t say I blame Dr.K on this one! OR& <i>POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT</i>...Drew Brees getting cut in a Cap Casualty when Pittsbugh can t find any takers for him in a last minute trade attempt. <p> Do you know who is #WINNING besides Charlie Sheen? That s right the Pittsburgh Spears. MFL Champs once again! Even facing a tough opponent with the South Bend/Iraq/Wherever the hell they decide they want to play this year Scraps in the Super Bowl they got  er done!. Do you know what separates these two teams besides 1 point in the Championship Game? 2 million in cap space and 1 ring. Both clubs must have something up their sleeve with the MFL Draft rapidly approaching and literally strapped for cash. I know the Purple Pimp loves to make it rain at Showgirls III in the Fort to the Wayne HEEEEYYY! HOOOO! Whose down with O.P.P?? Yeah you know me, The Purple Muthaf*kin P! But with only half a mil, a move has to be done. Does he make a last minute cut to free up ohhhh let s take a guess with approximately $10,351,411 dollars. Sounds like a good round even number, not trying to pin point one person, cause that would be profiling and profiling is wrong. <p> I have just hit some serious writers block for some reason. Kinda like the block the Lynx have from making the Super Bowl. Got the thoughts, have the ideas, just can t get it done. Now don t get me wrong Mr. W loves him some New York Lynx and have projected them to win it all every pre-season to only be let down like all of America was in hearing the Casey Anthony verdict! So once again I m going to predict the New York Lynx win it all. I HAVE to be right one these years& I think! <p> So Miami traded away Michael Turner? Most analyst on ESPN The Ocho  8 said it was a great move for D.C.; which for this year it was. However, yours truly thinks Miami was looking down the road a little bit further and seen the flashing lights and got rid of Turner the Burner at the right time. Still a little bit of gas left in the tank, but with the mileage piling on him faster than the Bang Bus, his warranty has expired and has lost that new car smell. He is bought, and paid for which is nice, just no reassurance when he breaks down and leaves you stranded in the hills of Alabama with banjo music playing. It s a scary place. So this leads me to who in the hell is <p> Miami going to pick number one? Canton has two picks! Will Arkdale show up to the draft to make that 5th round pick and let the MFL know they are here and no ones bi*ch? Here is a break down to what Mr. W thinks should happen if teams draft for what they need and not who they want. <p> 12th pick in the first round: Pittsbugh: Depending on what they do with that completely random number I picked, it really is difficult to say what the Purple Pimp will do here. So for the sake of moving on they select for cheap: L.T. <p> 11th Pick: Chicago Ravens: Going after some reassurance in the WR Dept. Ravens go with Larry Fitzgerald. Fitz will get his number regardless who is tossing him the rock. <p> 10th Pick: New York Lynx are looking for a future stud WR and land A.J. Green here to place the final piece of the puzzle. <p> 9th Pick: The Scraps will dump that train wreck Knowshon! They select Roy Helu for some insurance to The Madden 2012 Cover and The Law Office. <p> 8th Pick: Canton: Second pick in the first round& Canton goes with it s second rookie RB and selects stud Ryan Williams while muttering Beanie Wells and Tim Hightower fu*king SUCK!. <p> 7th Pick: D.C. got their man Turner via trade and now look at beefing up the QB Corps here. If things pan out and Kevin Kolb ends up in Arizona like most are projecting& .he plays for D.C. this year <p> 6th Pick: Dowagiac: The Chefs kick bust C.J. Spiller to the curb, and maybe, possibly Joey Addai. They want someone who can play now. With Marion Barber headed outta Dallas, Felix Jones starts for the Orange Crush! <p> 5th Pick: Canton is in disbelief this gift has fallen to 5th place and immediately snag what could have been over all number 1 pick Daniel Thomas! <p> 4th Pick: The second pick for the Mafia look to shore up the WRs and go with future NFL Star Julio Jones! Wonder if Miami is kicking itself in the ass for trading Matt Ryan now. Perhaps another trade with Canton in the making here& <p> 3rd Pick: Orlando: Let s be real here& .they need a QB more than Octo-Mom needs another kid or Obama needing another term! That s right I went there!! Don t like it?? Tough Sh*t!! Call George Soros, and Media Matters along with Huff Po for all I care cause they are the only ones who care here!! Now let me clear my throat after that sudden turrets outburst. Cam Newton falls nicely to them. I bet 20 bucks Jeremy Bonk is shaking his head calling me a GWB loving commie now HAHAHA!! Nothing but love bruh, but you would be correct in your statement. <p> 2nd Pick: Fort Wayne laughs in his brother James face saying Jahvid WHO? Going with who WILL be the starter in Detriot& .Mikel LeShoure! SUUUUUEEEEEEEYYYYY& .Oh wait& wrong team& Que up George Michael Careless Whisper& NOOOooooo& FREEDOM& .FREEDOM& ..YOU VE GOTTA GIVE WHAT YA TAKE!! <p> 1st Pick: Miami is looking to replace the void from Michael Turner and feels Mark Ingram will do just that! Too much talent and upside to pass up! <p> Right, wrong, or indifferent this is how I m seeing the first round going down. Hopefully I have hit closer to home than most will admit and have them scrambling to change up their list. However, there is one possible and one possibly not really possible action that could flip this whole list upside down. 1. Pittsburgh let s Drew Brees go to try and get back cheaper or go in a different direction, and 2. Missouri SHOCKS the MFL world and cuts A.P. I doubt the second will happen, but this is the MFL! I do think the Free Agency pool is going to get some added names prior to the MFL draft like, C.J. Spiller, Donald Brown, Jeremy Shockey, Ryan Grant, Joseph Addai, and Knowshon Moreno. <p> Some gee whiz off the cuff projections: <p> Most Rushing TDs: <b>A.P., 14</b> <p> Most Passing TDs: <b>Drew Brees, 36</b> <p> Most Rec TDs: <b>Andre Johnson, 11</b> <p> Highest Kicker: <b>Stephen Gostkowski, 138</b> <p> Winner of the East: <b>New York</b> <p> Winner of the West: <b>Chicago</b> <p> Winner of the Central: <b>Miami</b> (duh, regardless if South Bend is gonna win again) <p> Wildcard Winner: <b>Canton</b> <p> MFL Champs: <b>New York Lynx</b> <p> That s it for now you silly kids! See everyone there besides Randy on the 21st at Buffalo Wild Wings in Angola for the MFL Draft! <p>Regards, <p><i>Mr. W</i> <center> <p>Wednesday, September 8 <p><i>My 2010 Season Preview</i> </center> <p>Putting a dollar in the juke box in this Cuban Café here in South Beach/Little Havana everyone is looking at me like I have a bad case of herpes all over my face as Hank Williams Jr. starts blaring& ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?!?!? I figure if I have to listen to LA BAMBA with the it as loud as a KISS concert, as lil ole HWJR wont hurt em& or me hopefully. <p>Anyways now that my song has completed and imminent danger has passed, I m looking over the divisions. We have some rock em sock em knock em down fighting to the death matches going on. This is going to be an exciting end of year leading to the round robin with numerous teams still being in the hunt. <p>The East is literally a coin flip. Canton and New York are going to be going back and forth all season long. Only thing is IF& Canton takes a blow& and not from the toothless tranny behind the 331 bar Jones hangs out at, but at the RB position he will be begging that tranny to blow him to forget about his season going down the crapper. Jones traded the farm away for D/ST and PK. Mind you he got the best PK in the league but it left him thin in the skin at RB. If they stay healthy which we all need to assume, he will win the East. However, if not Dion  Scooby-Snack Mawhorter will take it. Purple Pimp in Pittsburgh has enough up his sleeve to ensure he doesn t finish in the basement, we will find out if Drew Brees is worth 8 million or if Nate will personally put a bullet in his melon. D.C. no disrespect but it is one bitch of a division you are in. Sad fact is Whomever finishes last in the East like Dr.K stated very well may do so even or with a winning record. My order of finish: <ol> <p><li>Canton</li> <li>New York</li> <li>Pittsburgh</li> <li>D.C.</li> </ol> <p>The West& Missouri. Thank-you and Good-Night! Don t forget to tip your waiting staff, I ll be here every week till December! <p>Seriously, they have CJ and AP? That is going to be a tough bill to beat. However like Canton, thin in the skin if injury hits. Chicago is nippin on his heels with voodoo dolls of both and praying like a guilty priest one or both sprain an ankle knocking them out for lets say uhhhhh forever. Tim Swagger is back in the league, and have not met him yet, however Welcome Back! Arkdale is swinging in the right direction and will keep things interesting in the West. The Peyton Manning Freedom just doesn t have enough horsey s in the barn. I m afraid it is going to be a long year in the Fort. My order of finish: <ol> <p><li>Missouri</li> <li>Chicago</li> <li>Arkdale</li> <li>Fort Wayne</li> </ol> <p>The Central. The Red-Headed Step-Children! No one likes us, everyone disrespects us, and everyone thinks they can just walk into the Central and kick ass and take names. Not so fast slick. The reigning Champs reside here and will tell you to bring it on. Dowagiac and Orlando will tell you the same thing. Trust me on this, do not look at Orlando as an auto win. That team is capable of dropping 35 on you at any given time. Just as yours truly (2 times). However, facts are facts. Randy traded away the Championship player and not sure if NO-Show& I mean Knowshon can carry them like All-Day did. Why did Spiller end up in Buffalo? So much talent that could potentially be wasted away! However, if Buffalo can utilize him like he is capable, we could be seeing Rookie MVP here. Orlando had a decent draft bringing in QB and RB who will be instant starters and putting points up. Miami is riding the Rodgers/Turner Express as far as it will take him, which will be to the top. My order of finish: <ol> <p><li>Miami</li> <li>Dowagiac</li> <li>South Bend</li> <li>Orlando</li> </ol> <p>So we have, Canton, Missouri, and Miami winning the Divisions. My wild card goes to New York. After the Dust settles, Miami and Missouri go to the game, with Miami winning it all. HEY!!! It s my blog, my team and if you don t like it write your own damn blog :-) Actually let s re-address this come week 6/7 and see where we stand. <p>That s how I see the season unfolding. But we all know how wrong I have been in the past. But since I have your attention still, lets peek at week one. <p>Game of the week: PARVO BOWL! I know I have Canton winning the East, however, New York makes that journey a little more difficult after it beats Canton. <ul> <p><li>New York 34, Canton 33</li> <li>Spears 29, Dinos 26</li> <li>Chefs 21, Oracles 18</li> <li>Ravens 24, Freedom 17</li> <li>Grines 37, Varks 22</li> <li>Mafia 34, Scraps 26</li> </ul> <p>Here is to a great year! Will see all of you on the field. Do your homework, work the wavier wires because yours truly will be doing so daily... <p>Regards, <p><i>Mr. W</i> <center> <p>Friday, August 20 <p><i>A last minute look at the MFL Draft</i> </center> <p>Days before the MFL draft I find myself drawn Northern bound with the top down taking my sweet time cruising down the A1A to the lovely booming metropolis of Angola, Indiana. Mr. Telephone man& .somethings wrong with my line& .everytime I call my Commish& I get a click everytime& Love that New Edition song, but pisses me off that I now know Drew has been figgin hanging up on me. Anyways, back to the present, while driving looking at the bevy of Cougars lined up at the Bingo Halls, I wonder how much trouble the Purple Pimp would get into down here, and wonder if the upcoming draft is going to be more trouble for him. <p>We have a TON of talent and feel this is going to be one of the best drafts perhaps I will be involved with. We have quite a few teams that have a ton of cash and a big ass bat walking into the draft and then we have some with not as a much cash and praying no one turns into a douche and over bids them to the point they can t get the man they want. BWAHAHAHAHA! Yup, I am exactly that douche to do it! I have roster spots and cash. So fair warning Gents, pay over the limit and Moi, will be waiting to scoop up the waiver wires like I do every year. So beware bitches I will over bid your man and show him what a real team will do for him. <p>So let me give you a quick post of what I think the first round of the draft will go down without giving the keys to the store away. <p> <ol> <li>Arkdale: No brainer, unless they trade this pick away (Brady)& Peyton Manning. Coach Stuckey has the biggest man crush and like Jim Irsay has no problem making him the highest paid player in the league.</li> <li>Dowagiac: I want to go on the record to knock Coach Bock right now& .I think he is a dummy face for picking: Ryan Matthews. Rookie of the Year and will be a productive member of the Chefs for years to come. Finally Bock and the Chefs have their Franchise Player.</li> <li>Fort Wayne: Freeeeedoooooom& & Frrrreeeeedoooooommmmmm& ..ya gotta give whatcha take. Who doesn t like a good Georgie Michael song. Drew& ..you don t have the bag if you don t play this song when Jon is up to pick! Oh, Fort Wayne takes Jahvid Best.</li> <li>Orlando: Just think if they would have kept Eli Manning and not drafted Ward for a bazillion dollars they could have gone with a rookie stud RB. However, since Eli is now forever lost on the Pimps bench the Orlando goes with Kevin  Corn on the Kolb.</li> <li>D.C. The other newbie team. This is James first of like 432 picks today. He is needing some RB help and will look for Joseph Addai in a contract year to put up stellar numbers.</li> <li>Chicago: Bonk needs WR help. He will chitting the gold brick hoping his pick doesn t get over bid here. However, I think Larry Fitzgerald lands in Raven Purple.</li> <li>Pittsburgh: Another team strapped for the cashola in a bad way. I really thought Big Ben was gonna be a cap casualty, shows you how much I know. Providing the Pimp also doesn t trade down to help save on cash, I can see RB C.J. Spiller land in Pimptastic land.</li> <li>Canton: Any and all WR s apply here. Canton has CASH and is not afraid to spend it. Welcome to Canton future MFL Hall o Fame er Randy Moss! He wants to play for a contender and Canton has been that team for years. Look for Randy to put up SICK numbers in Ohio this year!</li> <li>NY: Some interesting moves, and is in the market to move Brady. At press time Brady is still in New York, and Dion& .I don t blame you wanting to trade him with his Bieber Fever haircut. But Ryan Grant is the man for them.</li> <li>MO: Can go numerous ways here. The two WR s he wanted are gone. He does need another QB and the 40 year old virgin is out there. Papa Favre makes a final run with the Grines.</li> <li>Miami: Needs help all around after trading away AGAIN! Biggest need is WR, Miami looks to Dez Bryant and hopes all the hype pans out.</li> <li>D.C.: Proving James doesn t trade down, I can see Pierre Thomas landing here shoring up the RB corp.</li> </ol> <p>Well my fellow lovers of fantasy football, sleep with one eye open till Sunday, cause Mr.W is ready to create CHAOS!!!! <p>See you guys Sunday!!! <p>Regards, <p><i>Mr. W</i> <center> <p>Friday, July 16 <p><i>Need A Fix!</i> </center> <p>After being on a binge for the last 8 months, it is time to start a I.V. with premium Starbucks Extra Bold with additional shots of espresso to get into my alcohol stream and turn it into my caffine stream with a splash of blood in it. What s my point& .MFL BABY! It is right around the corner and it is time to get yo head into the game! We about 5 weeks to the MFL draft and looking at the league pre-draft& .things look pretty good. But then again look at this group and pretty good is about as good as it is gonna be. <p>The Hawgs were abolished and now the Freedom Fighters are here to save the day in the West. Since the West is brought up, lets gander at it a bit more. Mizzou& Can ya share some Running Backs. They have literally a 3 headed powerhouse in this department. Problem being& ..who is gonna hand it off? Dr.K isn t much of the trader and will be looking at QB as #1 priority in the draft. However& ..will teams purposely gobble QB s up as trade bait and force the Grines into trading? I do feel Dr.K would much rather run with a complete scrub at QB and any points from him be a bonus before he would even dream of breaking that RB core up. However, if the right trade offer would come along& .Which brings me to the Ravens& .of Chi Town. J-Bo loves trading and will not be surprised if J-Bo and Dr.K don t enter some type of trade talk prior to the draft. Chicago has a solid team but has a few questions that need to be addressed like everyone s weird uncle no one wants to talk about but has to. If you don t know who he is, chances are you re it. First off& .Forte& which one shows up this year. With a new Offensive scheme in town for the Ravens Forte  might show signs of what he did his rookie year. J-Stew, no one will be praying D-Will gets hurt more than J-Bo. Purple Pimp already has a voodoo doll with Bonk s FACE on it for when it happens. Also Bonk, tell Smith to quit playing flag football will ya. Arkdale, good luck with 12 million dollar Manning. Yes, I am predicting Manning will set the MFL record for 1st round monies to be paid. Some teams have the core set, and massive amounts of cash to spend. So Pee Manning will go at a premium, if nothing else to make Arkdale pay thru the nose for him which we all know he will spend every last red cent on that man. However, Manning and Felix Jones will put some points up, but not enough with Chicago, and Mizzou in the mix. Look forward to Dr.K and The Ref trading words this season again while positing for top spot in the West. <p>The Eastern Division. Probably the  toughest division in the league. Canton, Pittsburgh, and New York. 3 top teams bar none. However, we have the Dino s in the mix. D.C. had an impressive Freshman showing. Not as impressive as yours truly, but 6 wins in a tough division with limited cap& kudos to you James. Purple Pimp, my man. I know Drew Brees is a stud no question. But is he worth a cool 8 mil? Does he become a cap casualty to make room for the draft, perhaps to get back at a more lesser price? NY, need a kicker my man. I know Folk was the man at one time, but that time has come to pass. Also, why do we as a league only pay our kickers minimums when they normally are the ones putting the most, or in my case the only points up. Just curious. Seriously, I know you have a stable of RB s, but I really think you need to look at it closely and address it either trade, or draft. Call Dr.K he needs a QB! D.C. your not sitting to bad, plus having an extra 2.5 to play around with helps too. Canton, you re the front runner at the moment. Matt Schaub is going to ride you to the promise land along with MJD. <p>Last but not least, the middle child no one pays attention to, or excessively picks on the Central Division. Got nothing but disrespected from EVERYONE last year. The gimme league. However, The Super Bowl Champs South Bend says& .Huh? Not so fast phoo suckas! The Wild Cards of the league reside in the Central. Canton, Pitt, Mizzou, C hicago all now look at S.B. and Miami before thinking Super Bowl. Did S.B. throw the  key to getting there in All Day away? Is Knowshon the replacement? I don t think he is, but Randy is shifty and has a plan cooked up I am sure. Miami is not sitting too bad and literally could start the season right now with the roster they have. They are so close to making it they can taste it and Leadership within the Mafia are looking at what do we need to get us there. Given sometime, The Mafia will not have a single person on the roster it does now come season opener, or has Dave Wills learned a lesson& However, The Chefs will be looking at making noise also. Will Larry Fitz stay in Dogpatch for almost 7 mil or will he get cut or possibly traded for picks to start building up to be contenders again and not pretenders? Can Matt Leinart get Larry Fitz the rock? One of many big questions this year right now. <p>It s still too early to tell, and am looking forward to the draft to see who does what. Once we do that, we can sit down and grade the draft and put out predictions. But here are some what the hell predictions. <p>Top QB  Peyton Manning. 35 TD s, he is hungry after the loss to NO. However, Rodgers will be a close 2nd with 33 TD s <p>Top RB  All Day 15 TD s, however CJ ,Turner, and MJD will be on his heels with 13 each. <p>Top WR  Andre Johnson. Schaub has his workhorse and is gonna ride it. 12 TD s from AJ. I think Megatron is gonna be a close second with 10 TD s. <p>Top TE  Antonio who& .not so fast young man, Dallas Clark tops with 12 TD s. <p>Top PK  That Pollack from New England. 114 points. <p>Top D/ST  Who cares, I mean seriously& & <p>I hope you sissies have been paying attention this off season. Or will you wait for Dr.K s predictions to figure out what your going to do? I think Dr.K should scrap his draft predictions one year, just one and see who shows up prepared still. Just sayin& . <p>See you chumps in a month or so. Until then, watch out teeth, watch gums, down the hatch, here it comes! SALUTE! <p>Regards, <p><i>Mr. W</i> <center> <p>Tuesday, September 29 <p><i>The Itch Can Be Scratched </i> </center> <p>Fighting a bad headache from the 1.99 bottle of plum flavored mad dog 20/20 I wake up this morning, place a strategically placed scratch to a particular itch, make some proverbial male sounds and grab my coffee and morning paper to start the day. It is a normal ho-hum chilly, rainy, Fall Tuesday morning where I can sit, enjoy my coffee and bitch about how dumb some of these MFL teams our. Nothing better than sitting back and telling all these dumb coaches how it should be done, and how much better lil ole me can do it while seeing the outcomes on Tuesday A.M. The first item that catches my eye is not the obvious, but the one of Canton dropping 54 points of knowledge on D.C.! Finally, a MFL coaching staff that nailed it s line-up properly. Unlike the schlubs in Missouri who couldn t hit a winning line-up if they purposely didn t try to. Speaking of winless, who is the Detriot Lions this year& .Ahhhh The Dogpatch Chefs, O fer three. Hey& weren t they slotted to win the weak Central division. I ponder on it for a moment and decide the male sounds are now frutating and head to the holy grail of grails the Man Throne! With paper in tow, I need to see what else has happened in the MFL this weekend. Did that douchebag in Miami loose it in the last seconds again? Did Iowa beat Chicago, how bad did Pittsburgh pummel Orlando. Poor bastards never had a chance with the way Drew Brees is playing. Anyways after strategically placing everything in its proper place I start searching for answers, and it hits me. Not the burrito supreme and cheap plum flavored wine from the previous night, but the final of the Spears-Oracles game. Damn good thing I was literally sitting down where I was because HOLY FRIGGIN COW!!! <p>I couldn t have seen this correctly, I m still asleep, this can t be right. Sitting straight up and admiring my shit hickeys on my legs, I come to the conclusion, Orlando did the impossible. They defied the odds, gave everyone in the MFL, including yours truly, Dr. K, and the Purple Pimp the middle finger with gusto!! Orlando 3-0, Really& .c mon seriously! Reading the breakdown and seeing Drew Brees played more like Drew  6 million dollar man Broke, DeAngelo had the goose egg, and the game more less was won by a kicker? Really& .c mon. But low and behold as the legs start going numb from reading the story, Orlando is 3-0. I would congratulate them but why? Miami tried to publicly congrat them on their very first win over them and were blown off. Have some class and at least acknowledge a compliment when given. So ya know what I think about Orlando at 3-0& whoopee friggin doo! Sometimes it is better to be lucky than good, That s right, quote me& .. IT S BETTER TO BE LUCKY THAN GOOD! because even though 3-0 now, it is going to be short lived before re-matches happen and will be a different outcome second time around. I m not bitter what so ever, I actually enjoyed seeing Orlando knock off Canton and Pittsburgh. I don t feel like such a looser now, just the first looser hahaha! But second time around will have a different outcome. Mr. W is all about some sloppy seconds& that didn t sound right. Speaking of Sloppy& .How about some Slop& .Sloppy& .Sloppy Joes for dinner! Who the hell is Joe anyway. Why couldn t it have been Sloppy Ed, or Sloppy John. Who the hell does Joe think he is anyways? Will be something for me to google later. Legs getting numb, must vacate Man Throne now! <p>After completing my transaction and getting the blood flowing back into my legs before I try to stand and fall flat on my face, I have come to the conclusion& .The Central isn t quite the sluffs everyone made them out to be. They currently are the only division with 3 teams with winning records. Even though the Pittsburgh game was a fluke, it is what it is. However Nate Russo will be doing 3 a days all week and have his team ready come Sunday for a BIG Eastern Divisional game with the NY Lynx. I almost feel sorry for the Lynx for what Pittsburgh is about to unload. Dowagiac& .come on brother be the men of men and deal out the first loss and get that first win! What a sweet win it will be. Another thought hits me as wiping& I mean wrapping things up& When is the Brother Bowl of Iowa and DC? Week 9 at Iowa, need to see if stub hub has tix ready or not. Will be interesting to see what Bruney is top dog!. Gnarly dude! <p>Well my coffee is done, paper completely pillage thru, and it is time to be an adult again. But look for these wins in week 4. I like Pittsburgh over New York, Dowagiac over Orlando, South Bend over Chicago, Canton over Iowa, Missouri over Arkdale, and Miami over D.C. <p>Regards, <p><i>Mr. W</i> <center> <p>Friday, July 24 <p><i>Pre-draft Thoughts </i> </center> <p>Greeting from Cabo Wabo! Sammy Hagar is a god down here, and this tequila is top notch sh*t! It is so good it will make you want to smack your grand momma and go to church and ask for forgiveness on stuff you didn t even do! But I pissed Sammy off getting totally plowed last night and jamming to Winger and Damn Yankees. Oopsie! At least it wasn t David Lee Roth s <i>Yankee Rose</i> or <i>I m Just a Gigolo</i>. But then I could have been in the same town as the Purple Pimp. What color starts with G. The Green Gigolo? Sounds like a bad time after having the cream of sum yung guy entrée at City Wok Chinese restaurant. Think I will leave that alone and let the Purple Pimp hold claim to that one! Damn this tequila is the shizzernit! Where s the Meth Head s in Rebel Flag Bikini s at when you need em? <p>Anyways, before I get too far into my month long bender here with all the delicious eye candy running around I thought I would plug one more out to get the blood flowing even more in the MFL. <p>This will not really do justice for the expansion teams, because they are well& expandable! No offense fellas, nothing you can do with a short stack of chips and playing with a stacked deck and crooked dealer. That s just how the cookie crumbles. Or as the Mafia s motto has been the last 3 years...<i>Always Next Year!</i> This is looking at the other 10 teams in the MFL and an unofficial ranking on positions. Who has the best pre-draft and will re-address post draft and see how it changed. Going to give you Mr. W s opinion on every position and who has the best at this time. <p>QB: Tough call here. Due to injuries last year, one will not know if Palmer, or Brady are back to 100%. For the sake of argument let s say they are. So with this being said one has to look at the Ravens. Palmer and McNabb. Could be a deadly duo here, and the driving force to get to the Championship. Also Pittsburgh. Big Ben and Brees. Does Brees ever slow down? 5,000 yards in a season?? Lastly one has to give a nod to the Lynx. Pop Warner and Tom Brady. I m not a Brady fan whatsoever, however you have to respect him as a player. Warner had a MVP year last year and if Brady comes back slinging like a few years ago& <p>Advantage: NY Lynx. Boldin, Fitz, and Moss are to BIG of weapons not to respect. <p>RB: Once again the Ravens. Forte, Portis, and Stewart. DAMN! Never mind Turner or Peterson, or who ever lands L.T. I think Chicago has the point here and it has been made. <p>Advantage: Chicago Ravens <p>WR: Mizzou has a solid trio in Moss, Whooseyourmomma, and Braylon if he can shake the drops from last year. Miami has a respectable trio in Jennings, Colston, and yes Ochocinco. I think Palmer and Ocho hook up for one last great year and we will see Ocho donning the Future HOF er coat on the sidelines again this year. Pittsburgh with Wayne, Johnson, and Roddy  c mon down White. Matt Ryan is going to be a stud and make White look even better! Flip a coin seriously. <p>Advantage: Miami& .reason being is I like who is slinging the ball to all 3, and with questions of who is slinging it to Braylon and Andre respectively I nod Miami here. <p>TE: Miami with Olsen and now Shockey. With the addition of Cutler Olsen s stock shoots thru the roof. Pittsburgh with Gates and Vernon. Singletary is going to make Vernon a great player and one he is capable of being. Mizzou has a deadly 3 headed TE corps. But since one of them had to hang their junk out on National T.V. that is worthy enough for me. <p>Advantage: Mizzou <p>PK: Super Bowl game MVP& . nuff said! <p>Advantage: Mizzou <p>D/STs: Who is going to be the dream team this year? Minnesota like 2 years ago who could score at will. Green Bay who put 6 million points up last year? D/STs is like finding a 20 dollar bill in a winter coat you forgot about. It was there the whole time, you just never know it till you find it. <p>Advantage: No one <p>So right now as it looks to me, it could really be anyone s year pre-draft. Mizzou and Miami need QB help BIG TIME! Romo and Rodgers very well may the starter(s) for the entire year. Hell right now them two douche s are the ONLY QB s on their teams. However, they will need help and ummm& they don t have any. Good Luck in finding one with 12 teams now. Shaun Hill and C-Pep aren t looking so bad now huh lol. We aren t quite laughing now, but last year this would have been an absolute joke. Now it is like ummm seriously, I want& NO& I NEED Shaun freaking Hill! <p>Anyways, the sun is getting hotter, and the clothes on these hoola girls are getting scarce. Looks like it is time for me to put into play page 69 from The Pimps book,  How to be a Pimp and do just that. See all you fellas on the 16th, hopefully I will be dried out and clear minded by then. If not, it won t be the first time sipping water and hung over in Church! <p>Regards, <p><i>Mr. W</i> <center> <p>Monday, July 20 <p><i>2009 is here!</i> </center> <p>FIRST, THANK-YOU ALL FOR YOUR WORDS AND WELL WISHES REGARDING MY FATHER! LUCKILY HE PULLED THRU AND WILL BE JUST FINE. THANK-YOU AGAIN TO ALL OF YOU! <p>2009 is here, the draft is a month away and it s time for me to get with the program finally. If I keep going I m going to have 14 draft picks and 3 available roster spots. Speaking of spots, I noticed I have this spot in my upper inner thigh& wrong forum, sorry folks. Thought this was the <i>I-overdosed-on-tequila-and-did-something-I-shouldn t-have</i> blog. <p>Anyways, welcome to MFL 2009 and the (2) new expansion teams. I remember many moons ago when Drew Kuespert called me up and gave me the then-Miami Porpi post-draft with not a soul on it. So, Orlando and D.C., you are 3 steps ahead of where I was years ago, and best of luck to you. James Bruney...I like what your doing. <i>Mr. W</i> enjoys seeing an active owner who is always working to better his team! Anyways, this league has been great, even though I can t say I m real hip on the whole draft lottery thing. It seems like the people who don t like it can t win the Super Bowl to vote it out. Even when Chicago thought he had it, there was The Commish telling him 'according to the rules, #12, subline Z, paragraph blah, blah, blah& you lost and Mizzou actually gets to go. Once again, he got Bonked. Thanks for eternally pissin' the Commish off, Bonk, and this goofy ass lottery! <p>But, I like how teams are shaping up and I'm curious to see what team is going to make pre-draft cuts to roll into Fremont with a new face and ready to roll. There are some <i>WTF are you doing with him still?</i> thoughts out there. First& Dowagiac. Ryan Grant 6.6 million& <i>WTF are doing with him still?</i> Cut bait and get into the L.T. sweepstakes. Larry Fitz isn t quite as <i>WTF</i>, but it is salty for a WR. Cut him and go get your premier back with the Numero Uno. But, if you do decide to keep Larry Fitz& can't say I blame ya. Cut Ryan, and we ll have a smoke and hint around on the church steps on what we re going to do, while Bruney is trying to peddle off Brian Griese as the MVP of the league and demanding a first-rounder for him. But, listen to <i>Mr. W</i>. Cut Ryan and get L.T. So what if he makes you scream you love black people, and show me the money. He is going to be worth it. Speaking of black. I love my coffee like I love my women(s). Hot and full of booze! Had nothing to do with black people, you racist pigs! Where is Al Sharpton when you need him? Next on the <i>WTF</i> show: Arkdale. Peyton Manning for 13+ million& <i>WTF are you doing with him still?</i> I love the Colts as much as you do (some remember my Marvin Harrison trade fiasco a few years ago; thanks for spitting in my bunghole before plowing me all the way, Randy) but, sometimes it is time to move on. Seriously, it's time to cut bait and can almost promise you could get him back for 5+ million less. Easily. But, be prepared to pay for him, just as whoever lands L.T. will pay a nice price also. Oh, Stuckey& Rhodes isn t a Colt anymore; I d think about cutting him too! Dion and Ax...<i>WTF is Bush getting paid that for?</i> He is making what 3 million per touchdown. Cut him and get into the L.T. sweepstakes, too! Can promise if you cut Bush, no one would touch him for over a million. Bank on that! Drew& Fat Boy?& <i>WTF?</i>& c mon! Fat Boy is getting paid what Chris Johnson should be. But, then again I almost hate Fat Boy as much as I do Tom 'I m Gay' Brady. I can respect your loyalty to Randy Moss, but seriously when does loyalty run its course? <p>This has the potential to be a very exciting draft this year if people cut some excess baggage and free some names up. Speaking of big spenders. Bruney& Jon& cut Marshawn. Free up 8+ million and come swinging also. Tim Jones has MAJOR cash to spend, Chicago is 10+ mil and a set roster, along with yours truly at 10 mil and more or less a set roster. Only Beanie is rookies being a set price. But who wants to pay Mark  Dirty Sanchez 3+ million? Who would have thought JaMarcus Russell s father, Daunte Culpepper, would even be considered by clubs? Since we have gone to 12 teams more than people would like to admit. It s like McDonald s up in here& I m loving it! <p>So, like the Pimp, it s gonna be time to sit back, grab a drink and Chill. See what all these fool suckas are going to do prior to the draft and see what <i>Dr. K</i> has to say about everything. Once I get back from my month long bender on a hot beach somewhere, I will sober up, and give power rankings and predictions on each division. But, I will admit and not sure if much will change this. I like how Miami, Chicago, and Pittsburgh look right now. More to come, young grasshoppers& <p>Regards, <p><i>Mr. W</i> <center> <p>Friday, December 12 <p><i>The Wild Card Game</i> </center> <p>The postseason is now upon, and one has to ask where in the hell did the time go? Unless you re the Super Bowl favorite Dowagiac Chefs, or the South Bend Scraps. Then perhaps it is a sigh of relief. What happened to the Hawgs? After talking mucho caca to Miami, they just vanished. Did Tommy  The Toe Mullatti have ham sammiches for 2 months, or what? Speaking of Miami! The Chicago Cubs of the league& always next year chump. Pittsburgh& 2 ties& incest is best, put your sister to the test. Arkdale, please for the love of god have RB s from different teams please! James is washed up. New York, I personally apologize for the Palmer trade. Turned out it was a stroke of genius and I will never second guess you again& till next year. Now who do you want for Ronnie Brown? Hit me up playa! <p>So we have Canton and Chicago going fisticuffs this weekend. I have heard something about a friendly quit, but both teams want a crack at the title game. Miami is kicking himself in the ass for not taking his rookie of the year pick Matt Forte. That right, Forte for ROY! Chicago will match him up against the once feared L.T. But sadly L.T. has lost that new car smell and his tenure is now up in Canton. If L.T. hopes to possibly get re-signed by Canton next year he best make it happen this weekend. Next year is right now for him! If not, we could possibly see where L.T. could have been signed again next year for mega bucks for substantially less and in a different uniform to boot. But brass tacks. Mr. W feels it is going to be a close game. Only thing Tim Jones needs to worry about is Chicago laid an egg last week, and will be out to re-deem this week. If Portis is healthy I see him getting the start next to Forte. Jones would love to start SJax at Seattle, but ya just never know with this kid. So assuming T.J. sticks with MJD and L.T. Forte and Portis is the better match in this shootout. Chicago goes to Saint Louey to battle against arch rival Missouri. <p><b>Chicago 37, Canton 31</b> <p>Regards, <p><i>Mr. W</i> <center> <p>Wednesday, September 24 <p><i>Pick-Six</i> </center> <p>What a week, week 3 turned out to be. I myself pretty much blew the projections as ace Fantasy Baller Jeremy Bonk pointed out after Portis  finally scored in week 2. But he failed to point out I failed once again after Portis and the rest of his team got SKOOLED by the Hawgs. Just an observation merely on my part. But we have 6& .Six& .SIX teams all tied for top spot. Six of us at 2-1 and ready to fist fight to claim the spot. I see Dr K. pointed out an interesting fact this morning. All the newer expansion clubs won, sending a message to the grandfathered clubs (sing it in a Dee Snider Twisted Sister voice) WE RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT& ..ANYMOOOORREEE! <p>The East as always is shaping up to be tough as nails once again! With 4 of the 5 teams at 2-1. A power struggle is in full effect and the countdown to Sunday has started. Providing we have no ties this week (2) clubs will tie for top spot at 3-1 in the East where if Iowa and Missouri can take care of bi nezz and pull the victory out will also climb to 3-1. Two games have me very interested this week. New York at Pittsburgh and Canton at Miami. All inner conference and important games. But looking at the line ups the Lynx/Spears game is going to be a yawn fest with not too many point score... But then again! But my game of the week. The MasterCard/Visa Trade Bowl& Canton at Miami. <p><b>Canton at Miami</b> <br>Tim Jones and Dave Wills battling it out. Jones gave Wills his crack into the MFL, and Wills immediately landed the gig with the then Porpi and never looked back. These two clubs have traded players more often then Michael Jackson has kids. Jones is wanting to get back to his 2006 form and dominate, and Wills is still trying to prove his worthiness in the East. Canton has been the proverbial kryptonite to the Mafia. Loosing every match except one, and that ended in a tie. Miami would love nothing more than to beat Canton out right and claim his stake as being a contender and not a pretender. A lot is going to depend on what L.T. and M.T. show up. It is going be a real edge of seat game. I think Canton has a little bit more momentum off the Lynx win than Miami does from Dowagiac <br>Canton 31, Miami 30. <p><b>New York at Pittsburgh</b> <br>The top two teams last year& .until New York fell apart in the post season like Britney Spears at the VMA s. New York after some suspect trades, which is actually turning out not so suspect with Carson Palmer forgetting how to play football like Marc Bulger. Speaking of enjoy warming that bench Bulger you freakin douchebag! Anyways MBIII pimp slaps the pimp(s) <br>New York 35, Pittsburgh 23 <p><b>Missouri at Chicago</b> <br>Here is a battle in the West worth a watch! Grines and Ravens locking horns and swingin and clawing like some chicks that had too much to drink at a Billy Ray Cyrus concert. It is going to be a cat fight& or is it. Grines are trying to establish dominance in the West, Chicago has told everyone he is winning it all. Chicago rights the ship and the Grines drop 2 in a row. <br>Missouri 27, Chicago 31 <p><b>Arkdale at Iowa</b> <br>Another battle in the West. Up and coming Iowa has finally started making positive noise. Arkdale rolls into town trying to get some of the swagger out of Iowa s step. But with Peyton unavailable it may not possible. Lynch is showing why Jon took him and PAID him in the first round. He will once again hit double digits I think. Iowa rolls SUUUEEYYY! <br>Arkdale 18, Iowa 29 <p><b>South Bend at Dowagiac</b> <br>Last but not least. MFL favorite Dowagiac at home and looking at revenge for last week heartbreaker. It is tough knowing you put up 26 and still come up short. Dowagiac is looking to take some frustrations out on the Scraps. But will they be able to? Is BFW (do you remember last weeks blog) going to be able to roll for the Chefs on Sunday? Too early to tell. Would rather loose an early game in the season then one of my most explosive players for the year. Rivers and All Day are going to be too much. Scraps win for the first time as the Chefs also drop 2 in a row. <br>South Bend 25, Dowagiac 20 <p>Regards, <p><i>Mr. W</i> <center> <p>Thursday, September 18 <p><i>Parvo in remission</i> </center> <p>Week 3 upon us already and for some it is looking ugly. Injuries are back in Miami alive and well. New York has been plagued by this nasty bug too. Difference is& New York is a winner. A favorite last year, has been pretty much been tossed to the way side once Tommy Boy bit the dust. I knew New York was going to pummel Miami last week, and indeed they did. However I don t think it happens this week when the Parvo Bowl takes place. <p><b>New York and Canton</b><br> Not bad blood here, but is enough smack talking to film an entire Jerry Springer show I am sure. New York coming off the beating it handed out is as confident as they could possibly be. Canton squeezing by Arkdale is not on the other hand. LT is beat to hell, Jackson is stuck in a black hole, and no one to throw the ball to Bowe. BUT have no fear, Greg Jennings and MJD are here. I think MJD is going to be in for a big day, and LT is shown the bench. It is not going to be a blow out, but I do think New York wins this one in a nail biter and becomes the only undefeated team in all the land. Dion is telling everyone now& .say it after me THRRREEEEEEE AND OOOOOOOOOO at F. R. E. E. that spells Free Credit report dot com bay bee.<br> New York 26, Canton 24 <p><b>Grines and Spears lock horns</b><br> The Mighty Grines 2-0 are looking good in the West, but then again who wouldn t? Pittsburgh is just  ok at the moment. After being the second worse beat team last week Pittsburgh wants to redeem them selves and umm ok will side with the better division and say Pittsburgh upsets Missouri on a last second FG by QB Kellen Clemmons& .I mean Mike Nug& .Oh hell who is kicking for Pittsburgh this week& .SNERDLY& .?<br> Pittsburgh 28, Missouri 25 <p><b>Chicago and Iowa</b><br> Can you smel l l l l l l l l l l l l what Jon Bruney is cooking!?!? Iowa has looked good thus far. Bonk re-bounded nicely after Miami shut them up in week 1, and is chomping at the bit for a rematch with his nemesis from the East. But sadly the Own3d Bowl will have to wait till next year, and Bonk will have to live with the fact that Miami OWNS him in 08 muuuuhahahahaha. However, Bonk is still adamant it is his to loose, and to hell with all the nay sayers. It is going to come down to what RB has the better day. So I have to eat my words from last week Portis doesn t suck, he once again has a big day as the Ravens tie Missouri for first at 2-1.<br> Chicago 31, Iowa 20 <p><b>Varks and the Scraps</b><br> South Bend, South Bend, where art thou South Bend? Many thought for sure South Bend had the best RB in the league. However, he has only put up one more touchdown than my mom has. Has run for like 12,000 yards already, but still boils down to umm 6 points. Purple Jesus breaks out this week, and proves he is worth of his salary. Arkdale& ummm they have Peyton Manning and& ummm anyways got sidetracked looking for another player. Too much for Peyton to handle alone. South Bend steam rolls while Charlie rolls by in his golf cart with 3 wheel motion.<br> South Bend 26, Arkdale 14 <p><b>Dowagiac vs. Miami</b><br> Dr. K s pick to win it all. Dowagiac meets with 3rd year team Miami. Big trades prior to the draft between these two clubs and some raised eyebrows. But Bock is looking like a genius in Dogpatch right now as Brian Freaking Westbrook (who I will here by call BFW from now on) decided to play ball. Hopefully he will get sentimental from his Miami days and lay the proverbial goose egg he so many times did for Miami. Doubt it. Miami can t buy a healthy good WR. Dowagiac stomps Miami out.<br> Dowagiac 32, Miami 23 <p>Regards, <p><i>Mr. W</i> <center> <p>Thursday, September 4 <p><i>LET'S GET IT ON!!!</i> </center> <p>What is up my fellow brethren of the beloved MFL? We are only a few hours away from officially starting the season and I for one can not wait. I love this game like a fat kid loves carrots! You re thinking& carrots& .wtf that ain t possible. Think about! If a kid is fat from eating carrots& he must effin really love him some carrots! EHHHH WHATS UP DOC?!? <p>What a way to kick the season off with probably the newest rivalry in the MFL. Canton and Pittsburgh. There is bad blood from the Super Bowl 2 years ago, and Pittsburgh has been the proverbial stone wall Canton can not get over. Pittsburgh had a great draft, made some good moves, and positioned them for a 4 peat. But Tim Jones is saying nay-nay on this puss-ay. Looking at the line-ups I think Pittsburgh has a little too much for Jonesy. He will put up a fight, but The Spears get them when it is all said and done. In my <i>Game of the Week</i>... <p><b>Spears 28 Cougars 26</b> <p>Jeremy Bonk is ready to get this season started also. Already writing checks with his mouth he is hoping his team can cash. He is calling every team out onto the carpet, and claiming dominance is his. Yes you too Pittsburgh. According to him you ain t nothing but a brown smear stain on the sheets in room 311 at the Days Inn up in Roseland. You have as good a chance at 4 peating as Courtney Love does at winning Miss America. The Championship is his, so kiss your lil 4 peat dreams good bye pal! Well the Mafia are sayin fughhedaboutit, we s aint abouts to bow downs to no stupid berdie team! Ravens and Mafia might be starting a rivalry here and being very quiet about it. Both teams had good drafts, but Chicago has the upper hand in veteran experience. But it is going to be a dog fight sponsored by Mike Vick no doubt. Run DMC is going to make his debut, along with The Burner. But Portis and Moron..Maro& the better of the 3 RB s in New England might be to much for the rookie backfield. But since I am biased, and if you don t like it write your congressmen the Mafia squeak by this one. <p><b>Mafia 34 Ravens 31</b> <p>Chefs and Lynx. New York was the best team last year, but some questionable, shady deals that went down this off season have left them mediocre at best. Had hands down the best QB tandem, and like Dr K. said traded it away for a benchwarmer. Not sure what the thought process was, but I think Bonk witnessed Dion doing a no-no and this was a hush yer mouth trade to bury the secret forever. Or Dion is Bonks Bitch now and we just haven t figured it out. Whoose your Daddy Dion& .looks like Jeremy is!! Justin Bock on the other hand made VAST improvements. Heard something about who needs Cress when I am best. (Just in case Jon is reading this) Probably the best draft this year came from that club. Some questioned him trading away the overall number 1, but he came thru with flying colors none the less. But Tom Brady is going to be too strong this week and will be the Achilles for the Chefs. <p><b>Lynx 31 Chefs 26</b> <p>SB and Iowa. What a stinker this is gonna be. South Bend is gonna score about as many points as Vince Young scored on his wonderlic test. Only positive SB has is the beloved Adrian Peterson. All Day, Purple Jesus, whatever you want to call him. He is the team period! Iowa still has Papa Favre kickin, and before long he will wish he stayed retired, and no Jon I don t want Joe Klop..frankenstien! I m going out saying the first tie of the year is done here and now in this game. <p><b>Scraps 20 Hawgs 20</b> <p>Grines and Varks. Student vs Pupil, David vs Goliath. I believe there are only 2 teams Drew wants to just completely embarrass this year. The Varks for stealing the West away from them, and the Spears for taking Mendenhall away from them. But this is the re-match of the Western divisional game so to speak. Drew went from zippo RBS to a stable. But does he have a sure fire starter? We all would love to think Frank Gore is it. But can he stay healthy in a somewhat dysfunctional system in 49er land? But Arkdale adding 2 RBs& 2nd and 3rd stingers from the same team didn t help matters. The Mighty Grines literally destroy the Varks in the Pampers blow out of the week game. <p><b>Grines 32 Varks 17</b> <p>Regards, <p><i>Mr. W</i> </font> </td> <td bgcolor="7700CB" valign="top" width="450" cellpadding="6"> <font color="FFFF00" face="comic sans ms" size="2"> <center> <img src="/mflimpact/pimplink.jpg"> </center> <center> <p>Friday, December 23 <p><i>CANTON WILL WIN THE SUPER BOWL</i> </center> <p> The title says it all: I should just leave the column blank. <p> But I won't, since I may be wrong. And if I don't provide evidence to back it up then people will start talking. Readers will wonder if I'm really analyzing and predicting, or if I'm just lobbing darts at a dartboard or having Gwildor the trained spider monkey pick the games. Or lobbing darts at Gwildor the trained spider monkey. (He's so cute when he dodges like that.) And if the Pimp doesn't provide witty analysis, you say, then why should I bother reading the blog page instead of searching the Internet for bestiality centerfolds and Betty White nip-slip photos? <p> In fact, I was at Sundays' MFL playoff viewing party when a young man asked me,  Hey Pimp: why should I bother reading the blog page instead of searching the Internet for bestiality centerfolds and Betty White nip-slip photos? You haven't even written anything lately. First, I explained tabbed browsing to him. Really kid, you can do both at the same time: it's called multitasking. CTRL+T, b**ch. You could have Googled that in about three seconds but didn't, and I am chagrined by your lack of initiative and can-do spirit. That's why we're losing all our manufacturing jobs to China. <p> As for the second part, um, yeah. I haven't written much lately. I wish I had a good retort, but the truth is that I'm just like you: I am very lazy. <p> So lazy that when I need to microwave something for five minutes, I could very easily hit the  +one minute button five times, but instead I'll just hit four-four-four and then enter: it saves me a keypress. And why 4:44 instead of five-zero-zero, which makes more sense? Because I'd have to move my finger to a whole 'nother button, that's why. That sort of thing leads to repetitive stress injuries and arthritis, and I will not be spending my Golden Years with a mallet finger just because you want your Hot Pocket heated all the way through, you ungrateful bastard. <p> Luckily the Chinese Purple Pimp isn't very good at MFL analysis so I'm outsource-proof for now. <p> -------------------- <p> So let's talk about the game, then, huh? It looks like it will be a tight contest that will go down to the Monday night game. I'm actually planning a viewing party if you feel like stopping by, but unlike last week's party it will not be at the Purple Pimp Mansion. Things got out of hand after David Stern found the psilocybin I had stashed in the vegetable crisper, then started dipping his balls in people's drinks and saying their cocktails were hereby voided for  basketball reasons. Then Jeannie Buss hiked up her skirt and  salted the commish's margarita, which I'd never seen a chick do before and was quite frankly fascinating and terrifying. It took a lot of politicking on my end to smooth things over, and I don't think I can deal with cleaning another mess up again now that I'm out of psilocybin and Sam Hurd stopped answering his pager. <p> No, this party will be at the electronics section of Wal-Mart. We're going to grab some recliners from the furniture aisle and Coleman coolers from sporting goods and chill in front of seventeen big screen TVs. If the employees hassle us we'll tell them that we're there for Green Tuesday-- you know, December 27, the biggest shopping day of the year. Black Friday and Cyber Monday are soooo 2009, amiright? Hey, David Stern, can you believe this guy? Not knowing about Green Tuesday and sh*t. N00b. <p> And then I'll get back to surreptitiously drinking scotch from a Vernor's ginger ale bottle and go to town on a delicious Jimmy Johns sandwich.* (Hey, if Simmons can shill for Subway and get them to fund his website, then maybe the MFL should get in on the endorsement game, by gum!** And speaking of buying gum, have you tried Big Red lately? Delicious, nutritious, full of fiber. Give your taste buds a cinnamon flavored orgasm with the official gum of the MFL***, Wrigley's Big Red.) <p> *Sorry, Dion: Jimmy Johns paid us more.<br> ** Using copious footnotes is also part of the website branding strategy, though I don't understand how. Maybe I'll ask Chuck Klosterman.<br> ***Speaking of fantasy football, I hate it when ESPN considers a player a  linebacker or  defensive back. I play in IDP leagues, so I need to know if he's eligible at outside linebacker, inside linebacker, corner, or safety, you insensitive twat! It's like when 311 put out the album  Music. Yes, I know it is music: I'm buying this thing in a f**king music store. Tell me what kind of music it is, or the themes of the album, or at least how the songs are all fond remembrances of how you were fifteen and tripping balls on peyote and having a picnic with centaurs under a bridge and then got a handj*b from a jabberwocky in the alley behind a Motley Crue concert. Calling it  Music? It's like when the protagonist drinks  BEER brand beer in a movie too low-budget for product placement deals. Had  Music actually been handy-cam footage of Peter Falk and Bea Arthur fighting with broadswords, then I would have been impressed by how clever the title was.<br> <p> -------------------- <p> Anyway, here is the breakdown. Like Sean Connery said in The Rock,  Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and f**k the prom queen. And like Nicolas Cage said in real life,  He robbed my Fudgesicle. (Seriously, if you didn't get that reference take a few seconds and click over to <a href="http://content.usatoday.com/communities/livefrom/post/2011/09/nicolas-cage-used-verbal-judo-during-a-break-in/1">http://content.usatoday.com/communities/livefrom/post/2011/09/nicolas-cage-used-verbal-judo-during-a-break-in/1</a>. It is significantly weirder than anything I could make up. I'll wait.) <p> Quarterback <p> Matt Ryan vs. Tom Brady <p> Speaking of Nic Cage, who named his kid Kal-El after Superman, it's the battle of two QBs with four first names combined. Well, I guess  Brady counts for one-half; it's one of those trendy traditionally-a-last-name-but-I'll-use-it-as-a-first-name-to-make-my-kid-stand-out names, like Austin or Cooper. With these kids starting to matriculate into the MFL like Colt McCoy and Landry Jones, we'll soon be overwhelmed by douchey-named Brosephs. What ever happened to traditional names like Bill and Bob and Jim and Gartrell and Montavious? Anyway, Slight Advantage: New York. <p> Running Back <p> LeSean McCoy and Ray Rice vs. Arian Foster and Reggie Bush <p> That's more like it: names I recognize. Ray, Reggie, and LeSean are the names of saxophonists who might have toured with Prince back in in 1984, not this naming kids Blake and Turner bullsh*t. Though I admit that  Arian is a little weird, and it makes me think of Hitler. If New York wins, I think they should change to brown uniform shirts and refer to themselves as the  Arian Nation. Intimidating? You bet! The Oakland Raiders have nothing on the Fuhrer. Advantage: Canton <p> Wide Receiver <p> Calvin Johnson and Julio Jones vs. Hakeem Nicks and Jacoby Jones <p> & And here's the big mismatch. CJ might well be the best receiver in football right now, and Hakeem Nicks capped off a disappointing year by dropping two touchdowns last week. Meanwhile, Julio Jones' elite speed makes opposing corners look like Super Mario.  WTF D00d?! you may be asking yourself, since apparently you talk to yourself in the same tone of voice you use to troll web forums. But chew on this: when he isn't stomping turtles on the noggin, Mario sort of sucks. In every game Bowser rolls his troops into the Mushroom Kingdom, kidnaps the Princess, and then HAS ENOUGH TIME TO BUILD ELABORATE BOOBY-TRAPPED CASTLES before Mario springs to action, presumably decades later. Meanwhile, Jacoby Jones, another of the last-name-first-all-stars, is not an all-star at football. Big Advantage: Canton <p> Tight End <p> Jimmy Graham vs. Rob Gronkowski <p> Two of the league's breakout players going head to head: should be great. But why is a player with a Polish / Jewish last name starting for the Arian Nation? Fuhrer-- er, Coach-- MaWhorter has a lot to learn about institutionalized racism. It's like how journalists are going gaga about Andrew Luck being the next Peyton Manning, even though the current Peyton Manning might not be finished yet. No matter how you good you are at footballing, there will never be another Peyton Manning. And no matter how good you are at genociding, there will never be another Hitler. Slight Advantage: New York <p> Kicker <p> Mason Crosby vs. Steven Gostkowski <p> They are both really effing good and will score a lot of points. One is named Mason, but I'll ignore it. Advantage: Push <p> Defense <p> Chicago vs. Baltimore or San Francisco <p> Devin Hester is dinged up which will hurt Canton's return game, and the ballhawking Balto/SF defenses get to play against the greatness of Seneca Wallace and Kellen Clemens. (Seriously, what the f**k, Naming People Police?) Advantage: New York <p> -------------------- <p> So there you have it. This will be another compelling, hard fought Super Bowl. Call it Parvo Bowl, call them LOLCats, but one will emerge as the true Beast of the East. In a slugfest, I like the Canton Cougars to prevail 33  29. As the clock ticks to zero, jubilant players will rush the field and douse Coach Tim Jones with a bucket of Wild Stallion energy drink, official orange vitamin beverage of the MFL. The Commish will hand the MVP trophy to Matt Ryan, who will mug for the cameras and say,  I'm going to the MFL's favorite theme park, Land-World-Land: the Namiest Place on Earth. Arian Foster will realize the error of his ways and change his name to Tolerance and Understanding Foster, but go by  Jack. <p> But then again, what do I know? I'm just a kid with a dream. <p> And a spider monkey. And lots and lots of darts. <p>Regards, <p><i>The Purple Pimp</i> <br> <center> <p>Sunday, October 9 <p><i>TRAGICALLY, AL DAVIS IS DEAD. TRAGICALLY, CASEY ANTHONY IS STILL ALIVE</i> </center> <p>First of all, let me pay tribute to Al Davis, one of the most influential people in American football history. Not only was he instrumental in merging the AFL and NFL, making aggressive passing and reckless defense a bigger part of the league; not only did he sue the NFL in 1982, putting anti-trust and other lawyer stuff on the table that let teams threaten to move and bilk tax payers out of billions of stadium funding; not only did he popularize sweet black and silver Starter jackets, which I may or may not have owned during my Pretending to Be Ice Cube and Knocking Over Liquor Stores phase; but he did it all while being a cranky curmudgeon who wore satin running suits because WHY THE F**K NOT. THAT SH*T IS COMFY. <p>In honor of Al Davis and NWA (not Northwest Airlines, the other one), I present  The Al Davis Rap Tribute. <p>I'm Al Davis / I owned the Oakland Raiders<br> We wore all black / Bad-ass like Darth Vader<br> Your teams got erased / We punched you in the face<br> Got crazy superfans with spiked pauldrons and a mace<br> <p>F**k Pete Rozelle / I was born to raise hell<br> Drafted cokeheads and thugs / Who ran really well<br> <p>I'm Al Davis / I owned the Oakland Raiders<br> F**k all you player haters / Dressed up like fancy waiters<br> Bury me in black track gear / You thought I was crazy<br> But who's laughing now, queer? / 'Cause I just won, baby! <p>(Mad Rapper: hit me up. We'll go double platinum with this sh*t.) <p>So R.I.P. Al Davis. From what I hear, the family plans to bury him in Oakland, sue to move his body to a newly renovated cemetery in Los Angeles, then move him back to Oakland years later. <p>QUICK HITS: <p>1) Hank, bro, what's up with playing the Hitler card? For an older southern guy who thinks  Angry Birds is what his Rowdy Friends call their disapproving wives after coming home from a Sunday tailgating and gulping moonshine from Mason jars, it certainly sounds like he's a veteran at trolling web forums. It would have been easier just to post a link to  Obama's Official Job Creation Web Site and make it point to 2 Girls 1 Cup. So now I guess the official Major Broadcast Network Football Song belongs to to the lovely, talented, and noncontroversial Faith Hill, who would never do such a thing. In fact, I bet her computer is full of pictures of her husband and kids, and maybe a Favorites menu that includes Jesus, Guitar Center, designer boots, and LOLCats. <p>2) Speaking of JC, I feel bad for Tim Tebow. People like to rip on him just because Jesus is his co-pilot. Well, sh*t, Jesus is my co-pilot too: I have Him ride shotgun and steer after I've gotten obliterated on cognac and am leaving the club at 4 AM. Between you and me, Christ is not that good at driving and tends to veer into oncoming traffic. But then again, He grew up 2000 years before there were cars, and I don't think He even has a license, and oh-- He also died for our sins, so I think I'll give Him a little slack. <p>3) Drafting a lightly-regarded rookie who turns into a fantasy stud is like listening to an indie band before they get big. In the preseason I snagged Denarius Moore for $100K in a league with a $60 million salary cap. It feels like I've been circulating his untitled EP on cassette tape (because mp3s are too mainstream and easy) and now I see him on the cover of SPIN, proving my fantasy football / indie rock cred. Denarius Moore makes me want to wear a tight-fitting green plaid shirt and Buddy Holly glasses while listening to Fleet Foxes and smoking research chemicals at an abandoned warehouse party. <p>4) On the flip side of that, I was totally wrong about Cam Newton's quarterback skills. I figured he would be Vince Young 4S. We had Vince Young 1.0--  OH SH*T IT'S VINCE YOUNG, college Vince Young-- who was ground breaking. He took all the things we loved about Kenny Stabler and Randall Cunningham (the Mac, the iPod) and brought it to the next level. Pro Vince Young (iPhone 3G and 3GS) was disappointing, but by 4G (2010 post- Kerry Collins Vince) we learned to accept its limitations and root for its strengths. I figured Newton would be the Vince Young 4S-- the exact same thing as Vince but a little faster and more powerful. But Cam is iPhone 5 or even 6 or 7. <p>If there is one thing I've learned about football over the last few years, it is  Don't text pee-pee photos to impress girls you don't know. Not really relevant here, but worth remembering. If there is a second thing I've learned, it's that elite quarterbacks win titles. Missing on Newton makes me feel extremely stupid and embarrassed: it's like when I threw Amanda Knox's welcome home party at Perugino Restaurante Italiano's  Murder Mystery Night. I guess what I'm trying to say is Great Job, Arkdale! <p>Anyway, that's it for now. R.I.P. Al Davis and Steve Jobs. But remember: Death always comes in threes, so unless you count Amy Winehouse we've got another one coming. And before you put down money on Keith Richards (-500) or Sean Connery (-200), remember that they are the  public teams, like the Packers or Patriots. You get much better odds if you go with a Jimmy Carter (+500) or even ol' Hank Williams, Jr. (+2500). And since some dirty lefty Wall Street Occupier might decide to Occupy Hank's eye socket with a crude shiv made of recycled Mother Jones magazines, I think we have a solid bet there. (And if you're really bold, tease that with the reality show  Casey Anthony's Day Care becoming a real thing (+700).) <p>Until next time... <p>Regards, <p><i>The Purple Pimp</i> <br> <center> <p>Friday, December 17 <p><i>Playoff Preview: By the Power of Grayskull, Grab Your Bag: It s On!</i> </center> <p>My least favorite random corporate slogan this year has to be SouthWest Airline s  Grab Your Bag: It s On! This was part of a promotion they started called  Nuts About SouthWest, which features a photo of a 6 ounce foil package of in-flight peanuts being busted open and shooting into the camera, which in the advertisement presumably is your eye. They were all like,  We re hip and edgy. Our ad has a double meaning. On the one hand we  re talking about you carrying on luggage: on the other we re talking about you cupping your genitals like a gangsta rapper. And check out this photo of a delicious snack you ll get on the plane. But guess what? It s also a photo of DEEEEZ NUTS IN YO MOUTH! <p>Needless to day, this did not work at all. I was so upset, I wrote them a strongly worded letter. <p>--------------- <p>Dear SouthWest, <p>Please do not waste my time making jokes about genitalia. That s MY job. Get back to what you re good at, like giving me cheap tickets to Vegas and not flying the plane into the side of a mountain. <p>Yours Truly, <p>The Purple Pimp <p>------------ <p>But people are always doing things that make no sense. For example, I grew up watching Saturday Night Live. As a baby, I d fall asleep as the giant wood console TV with the rotary dial and the bunny ears antenna blasted out the latest Belushi and Ackroyd masterpiece, my parents laughing their behinds off, probably while drinking some Colt 45 and smoking funny cigarettes. (My parents were much cooler when Carter was president.) <p>Steve Martin was always my favorite guest host. He was a Wild and Crazy Guy, he was King Tut. He did monologues with a fake arrow through his head and played the banjo while deadpanning about banging Morgan Fairchild. I didn t know what banging or Morgan Fairchild were, but I knew it sounded AWESOME. Steve Martin was my hero. Then when I was eight years old I found a hard back copy of his 1979 book Cruel Shoes at a garage sale. I immediately purchased it and was speechless. <p>Scratch that: this was certainly the first time in my life that I swore. WHAT IN THE SON-OF-A-WH**ING C**K F**K IS THIS S**T? <p>See, Steve Martin decided to write a book of artsy, postmodern short stories full of social satire but devoid of humor. Talk about misunderestimating his audience! Much like Blue Oyster Cult s  Don t Fear the Reaper, which exponentially increased my fear of the Reaper, this book was a failure. <p>The lesson I learned from this is: find what you re good at and do it to death. Don t deviate, don t reinvent yourself. Or like the Ghostbusters said, don t cross the streams. If you start the night with Jack and Coke, don t slow things down with a couple Guinness and three gin and tonics and then do tequila shots out of a stripper s booty hole. Smoking chronic might be okay, but throw meth and salvia into the mix and you ll soon be eating out a knot in the hardwood floor because the Floor Knot Elf Queen promised to tell you who your real parents are if you make her ding. (Spoiler Alert: Man-E-Faces and Evil-Lyn from  Masters of the Universe. Orko watched, due to some hilarious magic trick gone wrong that blundered open the bedroom door. Also, he is sort of a perv.) <p>So being the Purple Pimp, I had to test the limits of this theory. Not because of the scientific method, but because I m sort of stupid. So in college I wrote an academic paper analyzing Dr. Dre s  B*tches Ain t S**t. <p>------- <p>LADIES ARE NOT SQUAT: A METAPHYSICAL INQUIRY INTO THE CHARACTERISTICS OF THE WORLD AND ITS CREATOR by The Purple Pimp <p>HYPOTHESIS: Ladies are not squat. They are loose women of questionable morals and / or prostitutes. This song was written by  Dr. Dre Andre Romelle Young. He is not a medical doctor, so he must have a Ph.D., probably in literature. <p>EVIDENCE: <p>1) Women lick on these testes and fellate me. I leave afterward because I do not want to engage in conversation. <p>2) I used to know Eric  Eazy E Wright. We would drive in our car and have sex with these women. Seeing each other s dongers was OK because we were in a band, and double teaming prostitutes is the sort of team building exercise that increases band morale. <p>3) These women later engaged in oral relations with other men in exchange for money. This is different than when we paid them for sex. They cannot survive on the street alone. <p>METAPHOR: Eazy E is like these women because he did what our manager and record label wanted in exchange for more money and preferential treatment. I did not do what they wanted because I am stubborn and sort of a c**k. This broke up the band. <p>SNOOP DOGG PART: Snoop Dogg had his heart broken: his girlfriend cheated on him with his own cousin while he was in prison. As a result, he killed everybody. He is Snoop Dogg, so this is not only acceptable but somehow a good thing. <p>SIMILARITIES TO WILLIAM BLAKE S  THE TYGER AND  THE LAMB : <p>As the narration fades into the dénouement, one of the  b*tches, Jewell discusses aggressive fellatio techniques and how she  don t give a f**k. Though regrettable, the struggle for survival overwhelms the b*tches adherence to societal norms and moral behavior. This is exactly like Blake s mystical-visionary "The Tyger". The poem is about the question that most of us asked when we first heard of God as the benevolent creator of nature. "Why is there bloodshed and pain and horror?" The Tyger is a relentless predator, an unstoppable destructive force that is the opposite of the gentle kindness of the Lamb. But still, is it really "evil" for a tiger to eat a lamb, or is it just part-and-parcel of our world? <p> What immortal hand or eye, Could frame thy fearful symmetry? Tigers inspires a certain horror and a sense of awe, that we are in the presence of a transcendent mystery at the very heart of creation-- and a certain terrible beauty. Or, as Snoop Dogg might say,  Don t hate the playa: hate the game. <p>SIMILARITIES TO MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE CARTOONS: <p>Cringer was a little wuss cat who was afraid of everything, even Orko. And Orko sucked worse than, well, the things Jewell describes in the dénouement of  B*tches Ain t S**t. But due to circumstances beyond his control, Prince Adam got the Power of Grayskull and turned Cringer into BattleCat, a fearless warrior who also is a Tyger. Tygers are bad-ass: BattleCat will murder you even faster than Snoop if you bang his girl while he s in the muthaf**kin county jail. So is Cringer  good and BattleCat  evil? Or is the Power of Grayskull  evil for changing him? The Power of Grayskull lets He-Man BattleCat defeat Skeletor, which is a  good thing, so that can t be it. Maybe things just Are. <p>Looking back on it,  He-Man and the Masters of the Universe was probably the first Saturday morning cartoon that successfully combined theatrical naturalism and an Émile Zola-esque sense of determinism with the romantic mysticism of German Sturm und Drang. This was embodied best by Man-E-Faces, an actor / superhero who was simultaneously an emotionless robot and a passionate ape-demon thing. At one point a magic potion brought out his ape-demon side and compelled him to help Skeletor fight He-Man, so at various times he was  evil and  good. <p>Also, he had sex with your mom {{citation needed}} <p>------- <p>Obviously, this was an A+++ paper and was inducted into Bill Simmon s Sweet Academic Paper Hall of Fame Pyramid, along with  Statistics Are For Losers: We Just Win Football Games by Raheem Morris, Esq. and Jaaaaaaash Freeman.* <p>* Bill Simmon s Book of Sweet Academic Papers is now available in paperback at a bookstore near you. <p>*********** <p>Changing gears... This year s MFL playoff teams know who they are and play to their strengths. They stay out of the Cruel Shoes Zone. <p>All four teams match up well against each other, so this will be fun. Though it will be a little odd because they each do the same thing well, all run the same game plan: pound the football with the running game. New York has Vick, Foster, and Jammal Charles, Chicago has the Forte / Mendenhall / Stewart / Tolbert four headed monster. Iraq has BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Peyton Hillis, and a frisky Christopher Ivory, and Pittsburgh has... <p>{{RECORD SCRATCH}} <p>Umm... <p>Like Sesame Street told me, One of these things is not like the other. <p>Pitt is the complete opposite: Drew Brees led the MFL in TD passes, the receivers are good, and K Matt Bryant finished as the MFL scoring champ. The runners are horrific. If it weren t for the midseason acquisition of Lynch, they d be the worst rushing team in the league. On one hand I applaud them because they know who they are: they don t try to rely on Mathews, Lynch and Shonn Greene-- if those dudes sniff the end zone it is a bonus. But it also makes them the most vulnerable, since a big day by an opposing RB will end them. Although they are the #1 seed, I like them least to win it all. Perhaps their running game was what Derek Anderson was laughing at. <p>Meanwhile, Iraq has the Law Firm and the D-Bag Clothiers. Really, doesn t Peyton Hillis sound like a store in the mall where you pay ninety dollars for a sweater? And Chris Ivory has been on fire since he started going by  Christopher Ivory, which is definitely the name of a designer label with some sort of elephant-framed-by-an-African-sunset logo. They also have WR Austin Collie, which is either a women s college in Rhode Island or the name of a dude who would wear some Peyton Hillis jeans and a Christopher Ivory hooded sweatshirt to a frat party. <p>KEY MATCHUP: Drew Brees vs. Joe Flacco. Brees usually tosses it but has had a few games where he  manages the game and doesn t put up any points, handing it off to popped collar and puka shell necklace enthusiast C Ivory. Flacco does the opposite and is willing to work the clock and only throw when he has to, but a coupleß times they ve gotten into shootouts and he s held his own, slinging it around for three or four scores. If Brees doesn t have a big day or if Flacco keeps up, then Iraq will win this one. <p>PREDICTION: IRAQ 30, PITT 23 <p>The Chicago Ravens got the monkey off their back, won the division, and even beat up arch-rival Missouri twice. Heh, I remember back in 2001 when then- Kansas coach Roy Williams reached the Sweet Sixteen after weird let-down collapses the last few years. He opined  We had a big monkey on our back, and we reached up and jerked him off there! Keith Olbermann, who at that point was an hilarious sports anchor instead of a serious political bloviator, rolled the clip and opined  If I say what we re thinking, we d all be fired. Anyway, I like Chicago s runners but their QBs are awful. Maybe Coach Bonk will make things interesting and turn it over to Jaaaaaaaash Freeman. Although Jaaaaaash is not about statistics, so Chicago s sorta effed either way. <p>On the other hand, New York somehow got it done this year due to a guy his college team nicknamed  Fumbles Foster, and a dude who goes by the alias  Ron Mexico and was recently released from federal prison. Huh? Spin my Inception totem: this cannot be real. Fumbles Foster sounds like a bad guy from the Warren Beatty  Dick Tracy movie where Madonna cut her hair in order to look like a whorish Marilyn Monroe. And I think Ron Mexico is an  actor on one of those POV adult web sites where the brah talks to the camera all the time about how totally rad it is to bang a college girl, right on it s all good, brah, and totally ruins it for me. <p>Wait-- I got it, this is a fever dream where everyone is in your Grandma s basement eating jam thumbprints and talking Russian, and there s a chalkboard and suddenly you re teaching a college physics course, but when you look up every student is Flavor Flav. In this scenario Mike Vick is really an undercover FBI informant and there will ultimately be some crazy Last Boy Scout sniper assassination stuff going down on the field. <p>Or maybe I will be going down on the field, due to the salvia. The Floor Knot Elf Queen said she d reunite me with my Dad-E-Faces, this time for reals... <p>KEY MATCHUP: Matt Forte vs. Arian Foster. They get it done between the twenties, but will they find the end zone? When their teams get close they tend to look for their wide receivers or bring in a change-of-pace back who scores. They re both big play guys, and if someone breaks one it will open up a very tight game. Forte has a big advantage as a receiver, so that might be the difference. <p>PREDICTION: NEW YORK 29, CHICAGO 25 <p>So I like Iraq and New York to duke it out for the title, with New York a slight favorite. A Lynx is sorta like a Tyger, so that will be my pick. (In case you got here late, Tygers are bad-ass.) But wait, Scraps make me think of Scrappy Doo, who was a dog, and Snoop Dogg is also bad-ass like a Tyger. And Mike Vick does not get along with dogs, so just maybe... Wow, my head really hurts thinking about this. Time for some Colt 45 and Saturday Night Live re-runs. Then I ll get the Sterilite Ten Gallon Tote of He-Man action figures from the garage and break out The Chronic. Then I ll break out The Chronic, the album by Dr. Dre. I love playoff time! By the Power of Grayskull, Grab Your Bag: It s On! <p>Regards, <p><i>The Purple Pimp</i> <br> <center> <p>Tuesday, October 12 <p><i>I Reject This Reality and Substitute My Own</i> </center> <p>It takes a person with impeccable self-honesty and strength of character to admit when he s wrong. I am not such a person. For example, strippers have stolen my wallet more than I d like to admit. But does that stop me from getting private dances in the Lil Darlings Champagne Room? Of course not. At the very least I should get a wallet chain, but do I? No way, Jose: I don t want those dancers to think I m a Juggalo. <p>Another example: this MFL season. Just a few weeks ago I figured that Canton would be undefeated. Just a few weeks ago I thought LaDainian Tomlinson s career was dead. Just a few weeks ago I figured the best Peyton was Manning, not Hillis. Just a few weeks ago I thought Ben-Jarvus Green-Ellis were the dudes representing the soon-to-be-Ex Mrs. Purple Pimp in her quest to get half the Purple Stuff. <p>Just a few weeks ago I had no idea what Brett Favre s dong looked like. <p>I like my version of reality better. <p>******** <p>This reminds me of a conversation I had a few weeks ago with my bud Michael  The Situation Sorrentino. As always, our discussion centered around boobies and ripped abs, but somehow it took a metaphysical turn. <p>The Situation: Rock hard abs are good, brah! <p>Me: Indeed. But isn t it weird that we don t have ribs all the way down our body? I mean, they protect your lungs and heart... why don t they protect your stomach and intestines? If you re out on the Savanna and some velociraptor rips open your stomach, you re going to die, same as if he slashes your lungs out. <p>The Situation: I envy your grasp of evolution and the basic prehistoric timeline-- velociraptors? Seriously?-- yet I have to disagree. No ribs make you more flexible, so you can gather food and duck away from, um, the-totally-not-existing-at-the-same-time-as-people-velociraptors. You feel me, brah? <p>Me: But what if we put our stomachs in our chests, too? We d have all the benefits of flexibility, but none of the drawbacks of having raptors claw out your guts and totally ruin your $#%&. Also, we d have gigantic boobs. <p>The Situation: Boobs are good, brah. <p>Me: Heck yes! Ever since 1492 when George Washington shot Genghis Khan with his laser sword and rode his velociraptor across the Bering Strait to found America, our country has been dedicated to the three B s: Boobs, Beer, and the Ben Folds Five. Having stomach breasts is the American dream, really. <p>The Situation: And you were a History Major? <p>Me: George Washington also punched a cherry tree in the face because it looked at him queer, but that s not related to the point I m making right now... <p>The Situation: And again with the velociraptor? What, are you twelve and just seeing Jurassic Park for the first time? <p>Me: Dude! The velociraptors in Jurassic Park were so cool that they managed to kill Samuel L. Jackson, and he was Shaft, and survived those serpents on the aircraft. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MFing VELOCIRAPTORS IN THIS MFing DINOSAUR THEME PARK! <p>The Situation: Um... yeah. I do not accept your larger hypothesis. However, The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner was one hell of an album, brah. <p>Me: Well, I guess we both feel that, dogg. <p>******** <p>But really, I prefer my reality. How cool would it be to have boob-stomachs? You could take your wife to Old Country Buffet every night for a month and she d transform into Christina Hendricks. Alternate Favre would be sexting not Jenn Sterger, but ESPN s Shelley Smith. You could eat an entire pizza during an MFL football game and stare awkwardly at yourself in the mirror the next day as if you hadn t seen giant stomach boobies in two months. (Come to think of it, the last time was when THAT HARPY CINNAMON STOLE YOUR WALLET AND RAN UP EIGHT GRAND ON YOUR AMEX CARD. Maybe you should go to Hot Topic for Juggalo Gear after all.) <p>So I guess my point is, as Ben Folds once sang,  Alice, the world is full of ugly things that you can t change. <p>While Pete Rose is getting his bat corked by a jailbait Korean PlayBoy bunny, Tony Gwynn gets diagnosed with parotid cancer. Its the same kind of rare throat cancer MCA from the Beastie Boys came down with a year ago. And yet Fred Durst is still alive and  rapping and making sex tapes... Oh, and doctors have no idea what causes this type of cancer. <p>It could be environmental, so the Cuddle Bear fabric softener you use on your MFL licensed Slanket (the blanket with sleeves) (TM) could be slowly killing you. Cancer Juice could be in the air, the food, the water. Heck, this cancer could be completely random, so think about that when you try to sleep tonight. Steven King once had a nightmare about parotid cancer. However, the dream was so scary he decided NOT to write a book about it. <p>Luckily, from our sample size of Tony Gwynn and MCA, I surmise that the risk of getting this cancer seems to proportionately increase with how awesome you were in the early 1980 s and me having your poster on my wall as a kid. So you re probably OK. <p>Unless you happen to be Batman or Stringfellow Hawk. And if you are, I m flattered that you re reading my column right now. And also, you re f#$%ed. <p>******** <p>PICKS FOR WEEK SIX (MY PICKS are in CAPS) <p>Fort Wayne at MISSOURI<br> DC at Orlando (DC is in CAPS not just because its an abbreviation but because it is also my PICK) <p>For as good as LDT has been, the favorites should win these games handily so let s talk about something else. Intentional or not, Jon Bruney changed his team s abbreviation this year from IOW to the Internet Meme FTW ( For the Win ) this offseason. I m not sure how much that will translate into actual Ws, but new mascots Dramatic Chipmunk and Cigar Guy should help. <p>Along the same lines, there s a gentleman running for Congress in my district this year named Richard Pfeill. I volunteered to make an online town hall website for him, but I insisted on calling it Pfeill Blog. I did not hear back from the campaign, for whatever reason. <p>Iraq at CANTON<br> CHICAGO at Arkdale <p>All four of these teams should be in the playoff hunt until the end. Cedric Benson s bye week will be just enough to tilt that game in Canton s favor, while the Ravens running backs will be tough to beat. I love Forte and Mendenhall this year: if women followed the MFL like they follow celebrity gossip, US Weekly would make them a power couple and call them  Fortshard and have a derogatory name for their backups like  Stwortis. <p>When I win the lottery I plan on creating an LLC called  The Scrooge McDuck Money Bin Foundation. I will then donate my winnings to zoos worldwide, just so there will be plaques in public places saying things like  These Beluga Whales Are Made Possible Due To a Generous Gift From the Scrooge McDuck Money Bin, and little kids would think to themselves,  wait a minute, is that a real thing? When I win that money I will also make sure there is something tabloids call a  Stwortis. <p>NEW YORK at Miami<br> DOWAGIAC at Pittsburgh <p>I m lumping these two games together for one reason: head coaches MaWhorter and Russo compete in another fantasy league that counts not only individual defensive players, but also individual special teams guys. Last week, Dion played the team who had Tennessee s Marc Mariani. With two minutes left, Mariani broke free for a fantasy-deciding kickoff return touchdown, only to be hauled down from behind by the kicker. On the next play, Missouri Peregrine Chris Johnson scored to win the game against the Spears. I think we see who has Lady Luck on his side. <p>If it were up to me, it would have been like the Buffalo Wild Wings commercial where they use sprinklers to put the game into overtime, but instead with velociraptors cruelly murdering Dallas kicker David  Ferris Buehler before he could make the facemask tackle. No hard feelings, man, but rather than tackling that dude you should be playing hooky at Chez Quis with Cameron and Sloan and pretending to be Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago (Sausage King of Hattiesburg is apparently taken). <p>Reality stinks: I like my own version better. Now if you ll excuse me, I m off to drink complimentary Moet et Chandon with my fiancee, Shelley Smith, and if I m lucky maybe get a handy onto her ginormous stomach-boobs. But in your world, I ll probably just shotgun a quart of cough syrup, get my wallet stolen again at Lil Darlings, and SMS Jenn Sterger photos of my Stwortis. <p>Living the Dream, baby. Living the Dream. <p>Regards, <p><i>The Purple Pimp</i> <br> <center> <p>Wednesday, September 8 <p><i>Purple Dranks Are For Pimps, I Guess</i> </center> <p>Its hard to believe that it's been nine months since I last wrote about the MFL. People ask me, "Where were you, what were you doing?" Let's just say that, in retrospect, sipping Purple Drank with JaMarcus Russell was a bad idea. <p>But let's start at the beginning. I was running late for my flight to Miami for last year's Big Game, and the "All Christmas Music, All the Time" FM radio channel wasn't helping my mood. Now don't get the wrong impression; I like Bing Crosby as much as the next guy, but when I sprung ten grand to retrofit 7.1 channel surround speakers into my Dunham Coachworks Cadillac Eldorado, I figured the HD radio wouldn't conk out at the first sign of snow and only tune in the grainy analog der Bingle singin' bout Jesus being born channel. Partly my fault for not charging the iPod, but really, HD receiver? I guess its ironic since a dead analog channel is called "snow," and actual snow causes my digital channels to die. It would have been even funnier if the only song I got was 1992's "Informer" by Canadian reggae musician Snow, from the album "Twelve Inches of Snow," but sometimes life isn't fair or funny. <p>...Informer, you no say that's who I'm gonna blame a licky boom boom down... <p>Anyway, I barely had time to call my bookie and put in my picks for the Duluth Club Team Presents Winterfest nine match semi-pro water polo parlay, then wolf down a quick Cinnabon in the airport terminal. After sprinting to the gate for boarding, my stomach let me know that the pre-flight Cinnabon was a bad idea. The thing that really p***es me off most about post 9-11 security isn't the metal detectors, or having to put Listerine in little 3 ounce containers, or even having to remove my belt and making me feel like the subject of a General Larry Platt ditty: it's the restrictions on food and drinks on the plane. I mean, I understand that I can't take my loaded Desert Eagle on the plane anymore (I could do that before, right?), but not being able to carry on ten Cinnabons and wash them down with a quart of scotch makes me feel that the terrorists have won. It also increases the chance that I'll buy every d**n one of those mini liquor bottles off the beverage cart. <p>Which I did, of course. Actually that was pretty fun, since seeing the tiny bottles in my hand made me feel like some sort of giant. After five or six I was all like "RAWWR! I am Drunken Shrek on a bender! Hey... Wanna hear a joke? Why is Pinocchio so popular with the ladies? Because they sit on his nose and scream "tell me you love me!" Get it? Cause he's lying... What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? GAG! ..." For whatever reason, the mom of the six year old sitting across the aisle did not find this nearly as funny as I. Ultimately I think it was my impression of Eddie Murphy in a Tijuana Donkey Show that made her call the stewardess, which is why we made an emergency landing in Atlanta. Officially they said the stopover was due to snow flurries, but unless their radar navigation system was designed by the same dudes that built my HD Radio, they were just looking for an excuse. <p>Also, the plane took off again without me. <p>I should have know something was up when I was the only one to de-plane. (The stewardess said we had two hours and there were free Cinnabons inside. "Oops we baked too much," my eye.) So I was standing inebriated at Cinnabon, sick to my stomach, having missed my flight, no luggage, no money, no gun, and most importantly no more booze; the crooning sounds of Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" blaring from the PA, echoing like fire ants crawling through my aural cavity, marching past my ear drums and burrowing into the depths of my brain, deciding then and only then to give me a heapin' helpin' of stingy, venomous, red-bottomed alkaloid pain. That's when He appeared, like a 6-foot-five-and-a-half, three hundred twenty pound guardian angel, only if guardian angels wore Oakland Raiders jerseys and guzzled Hennesey from a repurposed Capri-Sun juice pouch. Needless to say, JaMarcus and I became fast friends. He taught me valuable life lessons, like how to falsify a codeine prescription, and how a waking coma makes you kinda enjoy the latest Animal Collective CD. It wasn't until August when I woke up next to the animatronic Big Bad Wolf in the Little Red Riding Hood house at Deer Forest that I decided to turn things around. <p><center>*****</center> <p>Anyway, I'm clean again, or at least clean for me. Only booze, salvia, Adderal, Mr. Smiley, and whatever coolness Paul Gray OD'ed on from here on out. And now its time for me to get back to writing about the MFL, the most addictive drug of them all. And unlike Tha Drank, it doesn't make me want to listen to atonal indie music and hibernate for six months in a petting zoo in Coloma Michigan. So without further ado, here are my things to watch this year. <p><b>WEST DIVISION</b> <ol> <li>Missouri</li> <li>Arkdale</li> <li>Chicago</li> <li>Fort Wayne</li> </ol> <p>Mere moments after shocking the world on his last minute Super Bowl winning score, Adrian Peterson found out he was traded. He joins Chris Johnson in what could be the greatest collaboration of guys-in-their-prime since Lennon and McCartney. For you younger readers, think "Amerikaz Most Wanted" Tupac and Snoop Dogg, or Ted Nugent and Tommy Shaw in Damn Yankees. (In this case, Miles Austin is a workmanlike presence like Night Ranger's Jack Blades / George Harrison / Warren G.) Their quarterbacks are unproven, though, and Arkdale is lurking. The Varks abandoned their "Peyton Manning and a bunch of inexpensive guys" gameplan, and now have a solid roster front to back. If Missouri stumbles at all, Arkdale could ride new arrivals Steven Jackson and Ronnie Brown to a division title. Chicago has a solid lineup that lacks explosion besides Forte, Mendenhall, and David Akers, and didn't do much to improve besides adding Mike Sims-Walker in a trade. Fort Wayne added Manning at a bargain price, but it will be year or two before they surround him with enough talent to compete. LaDanian Tomlinson? He's like the US economy: stellar from 2002 - 2007; a little bloated and slower moving by mid 2008; and ready to completely collapse in 2010. We need to get him on HGH and whatever vodka / Vicodin / horse steroid mixture they have in the water back in Hattiesburg so he can make a proper comeback and skip trainging camp every year. <p><b>EAST DIVISION</b> <ol> <li>Canton</li> <li>Pittsburgh</li> <li>New York</li> <li>District of Columbia</li> </ol> <p>Canton is clearly the class of the league. Jones-Drew / Rice isn't quite as good as Missouri's tandem, but they have two great receivers and a solid Matt Schaub. Their trade for Kaeding puts them over the top, since he will give them a consistent two to three more points per game, plus one "Mark Chmura night" where he'll bang seventeen. As long as the main guys don't get hurt, Canton will roll. The rest of the division is up for grabs. Pittsburgh needed a franchise runner to team with Drew Brees and took a big gamble on Ryan Mathews. I think their receiver play puts them just ahead of New York, who made an impressive trade for Frank Gore and Space Ghost. Just a year from expansion, D.C has three solid runners and a great young QB: they could compete for a division crown in the West or Central, but in the East they'll be a .500 team. I think that the three non-Canton teams beat up on each other and the Wild card will come from the Central. Oh, one more thing. The other day I noticed that you can re-arrange the letters in "Dion MaWhorter" to spell "Doin' Whore Mart." Not that has anything to do with where these teams finish, but it is my duty to inform you of that fact AS A JOURNALIST. Also, if they opened a Whore Mart nearby I would totally shop there. But stay away from the Blue Light Special: you could catch something. <p><b>CENTRAL DIVISION</b> <ol> <li>Miami</li> <li>Iraq</li> <li>Dowagiac</li> <li>Orlando</li> </ol> <p>I like really like South Bend / Iraq to win the wild card. (Is Tekrit near a south bend in the Tigris river? That would make things easier to remember.) But Aaron Rodgers is one of the five best quarterbacks in the league, and Miami compliments him with three excellent receivers, good depth, and an elite kicker. I'm not sold that Michael Turner will have a bounceback year, but Beanie Wells and Willis McGahee should stumble forward into the end zone often enough to win them the division. Dowagiac and Orlando are improving but don't have the talent to compete week to week with these two. Dowagiac's runners could break some hearts down the stretch, but they won't be a consistent factor... Speaking of Willis, after watching a Gary Coleman retrospective followed by "The Other Guys," I realized that the two brothers from Diff'rent Strokes happened to have the same names as John McClane and the Governator (Bruce WILLIS, ARNOLD Howeverthef**kyouspellit). I'm not sure what that means, except that Gordon Jump would have been shot square in his g**d**ned face before he had a chance to molest Dudley in the Very Special Episode. <p><i>(Fade in, Mr. Drummond's AWESOME PARK AVENUE APARTMENT. It is significantly more AWESOME than Arnold and Willis' old digs in Harlem, because Mr. Drummond is RICH AS F@%K. Also, he is WHITE. It is CHRISTMAS. BING CROSBY is singing WHITE CHRISTMAS and s**t.)</i> <p>Mrs. Garrett: Joy to the world! It is so great to celebrate our first Christmas together! Don't you think so, Willis? <p>Willis: What the f@$k you saying, lady? I'm just a cop from New York. I got invited to this party by mistake. <p>Kimberly: Willis... Your language is... uncouth. <p>Willis: You listen to me, j**k off, if you're not a part of the solution, you're a part of the problem. Quit being a part of the f@$ing problem, b**ch! <p>Mr. Drummond: Willis! Language! <p>Sam McKinney: I am precocious, and have red hair. <p>Mr. Carlson from WKRP In Cincinnati, in a weird-ass role that traumatized me for life: I own a bike shop. I'm going to show you dirty cartoons and molest your friend in the bathtub now. Wo ist meine Hose? Ich möchte ein sandwich Dudley und Arnold! <p>Willis: F@$k that! Get ready to die, Hans. (Pulls his GUN) Yippie kay yay, MisterDrummond. <p>Ahnold: Vhat ah you talking about, Bruce Villis? GET DOWN! GET IN DAH CHOPPAH! <p><i>(EXPLOSIONS! YAY!)</i> <p>OK, maybe the Purple Drank hasn't completely worn off yet. I should probably avoid shady characters at airport Cinnabons for a while. Good thing Super Bowl XIII will be in Chicago, only a short, carry-on liquor-friendly South Shore ride away. The game will probably be played-- featuring Mason Crosby rather than Bing Crosby-- in twelve inches of snow. I can hardly wait. <p>Regards, <p><i>The Purple Pimp</i> <br> <center> <p>Tuesday, November 10 <p><i>A Big Gulp of Brain-Crushing Awesome</i> </center> <p>So Halloween came in its traditionally fun, sticky, scary way, much like ESPN's Steve Phillips on a 22 year old intern. For those of you still in a Halloween state of mind, I highly recommend the film "Trick or Treat." The concept is simple: Halloween has tradition that you have to follow. Never go out alone, never blow out the Jack-O-Lantern before midnight, be generous giving out candy. And if you don't, bad spririts will spill your entrails on the pavement til it looks like a Jackson Pollock painting. <p>As I attendeded Halloween parties these past few weekends, I have to say that I Fear for America's Youth. Halloween costumes also have rules: 1) Men dress like Zombies or Batman, or Zombie Batman. (Chasing Zombie Heath Ledger, no doubt.) And 2) Women dress like a Slutty Monster or Slutty Profession. Slutty Devil, Slutty Vampire, Slutty Werewolf, Slutty French Maid, Slutty Nurse, etc. It's easy for an 18 - 35 year old girl to find a costume as long as you have a bustier and some fake blood. Maybe some devil horns or a fantastic wig to round things out. But this year the girls decided to mail it in, dressing up like Slutty Reality TV Stars. So you get Slutty Paris Hilton, Slutty Heidi from the Hills, Slutty Courteney from Dorm Life: people who are only famous because they are slutty, and have nothing else interesting or remarkable about them. There aren't any horns or cat ears or barbed tails to let you know what the costume is-- it's just a girl looking slutty. Maybe if you engaged her in conversation she'd tell you, "Didn't you see the episode of The Real World when blah blah blah wore this outfit when she blah blah blah threesome in the canoe? <p>Why yes. Yes I do... remember... that. How could I forget. (Question Mark!?!) <p>Really, where's the creativity in that? You could just make up any story and throw that "threesome in a canoe" part and I'd just nod my head and pretend I know what you're talking about. Because heterosexual men don't watch Reality TV; we're just happy that we can see your vagina through your costume. But sometimes I want a more creative costume. Something that makes you think a little. And there's nothing sexier than a woman with brains. Unless its a woman in a Slutty Mad Scientist costume with brains-in-a-jar, which she later uses as a melee weapon when Zombie Batman takes too much peyote at the party and starts showing everyone his Bat-a-Rang. <p>Not that I should judge: I showed up in normal clothes, no costume, and started asking random women, "Hey, I left my mask at home. Could I wear you on my face instead?" Damn, I'm smooth. <p>Anyway, after the past few weekends I was partied out and crashed the best way I know how: by watching MFL Football all day Sunday! The weather was unseasonably gorgeous, so I set up camp on the sun porch to enjoy the fall day. There's just something about stretching out on wicker furniture on an autumn day that feels wrong but yet so right-- it's like smoking a joint in public or peeing outside. It's like you're playing blackjack with The World and decide to split tens on a whim, then improbably win both hands. On this glorious day I was accompanied by my five best friends: four 40" LCD TVs and a 5 liter box of Peter Vella White Zinfindel. Love the boxed wine: on a dollar-per-ounce basis it works out to be the same as what you'd pay for a 7-11 Big Gulp of Mountain Dew, only its a Big Gulp of brain-crushing awesome. The TV lineup was pretty straightforward: three tuned to the most compelling games, the Ocho, the Nueve, and the Diez, plus the MFL's new Red Light Channel (the name Red Zone Channel was apparently taken by some other sports league). Unfortunately the Red Light Channel is not about the Red Light district in Amsterdam, which is why I mistakenly TIVo'd 43 hours of it, but it does show the MFL's scoring plays and highlights, so its got that going for it. Which is nice. Here are a few observations on how things played out in Week Nine. <p>#1) At roughly 12::32PM The Spears and the Mafia took the field for their pre-game warmups. After getting a Jack-Del-Rio-esque waiver from the league, Miami Mafia coach Dave Wills looked focused, sharply dressed in a four thousand dollar Italian virgin wool suit. His counterpart, Nate Russo, was half asleep, wearing a hideous rumpled Hawaiian shirt and sweatpants combo, combined with sandals and socks. He also had a fantastic case of bed-head, making him look like a cross between Wayne Fontes and a Dragon Ball Z cartoon character. When asked about the nattily-attired Coach Wills by a sideline reporter, Russo responded in a whiskey-soaked growl, "Virgin wool suit? I'd rather use the four grand on hookers and booze, and wear clothes from animals that f**k around." At that point I called my bookie and bet the Mafia +3 / Michael Turner Over 10.5 points parlay. In completely unrelated news, I'm adding a gold-leafed, diamond-encrusted swimming pool to the Purple Pimp Mansion. <p>#2) Since Miami-Pitt got ugly in a hurry (at one point it was 39-0), I kept my focus on the Ravens-Lynx matchup. They had similar records going in but I see them going in opposite directions; New York has been clicking but Chicago has been dinged up and just can't capitalize on their opportunities. Aside from their kickers, the highest scoring Raven this year is Carson Palmer, 28th in the league, and they don't have anybody else in the top 50. With Matt Forte and Clinton Portis having down years, it will be tough for them to make the playoffs. Missouri has turned it on lately and look like they'll take control of the West: I have an eye on Week 12's showdown to decide the division. <p>New York's been living dangerously too but keeps finding a way to win. Aside from Nick Folk and Brady, they don't have a consistent third option which could haunt them down the stretch. Addai has been significantly better than I thought, but Marion Barber and Roy Williams have been disappointing. This at least gives Nick Folk a chance to put points on the board, but it makes Adam Stephens want to, well, Axe someone. <p>#3) I cannot emphasize how nice the weather was this weekend. After a month of cold windy slobber, a sunny 65 degree day was as awesome as it was unexpected. If there is an underrated time of the year, it has to be Indian Summer. I'm still not sure why they call it "Indian Summer," though. Its not like Summer is a holiday that different cultures celebrate at different times, like Chinese New Year; I mean it's freaking summer, the time when the sun is close to your hemishpere and it gets warm. Maybe (and this is the Peter Vella White Zinfindel talking) its because Halloween is Candy Day and Thanksgiving is Turkey Day. In between we need to watch what we eat so we don't blow up like a Macy's Parade balloon. So we starve ourselves dieting for a few weeks. And who was well known for a hunger strike? Gandhi, that's who. <p>For those of you unfamiliar with Sir Ben Kingsley and Passive Resistance, Gandhi was an Indian. A F@#k the British Imperialists, Forehead Dot and Curry Indian, not a F@#k the American Imperialists, Feather and Casino Indian... Wait, did I just post something potentially offensive on the Internet? Political correctness, Grrr... If you'll excuse me for a minute, I'm going to call up my best friend, RB Larry Johnson for damage control. Just wait til you hear his opinion on renaming the season "Homosexual Summer." <p>#4) The TV stations, MFL Red Light included, keep showing promos for the soon-to-be-cancelled Courteney Cox show "Cougar Town." I'm not quite sure why they would advertise this during a football game, but it brings up a fascinating point. I thought Canton was Cougar Town. According to Math if a = b and b = c, then a =c. So if Courteney Cox is a Cougar, and the Canton football team is also called the Cougars, does this mean we can also refer to them as the Cox? I say yes. This brings up all sorts of possibilities for the MFL commentators to say inappropriate things, like "Wow, the Cox are really ramming their opponent right now," or "Don't worry about the scoreboard: the Cox love coming from behind." Reminds me of the time I named a fantasy team "Off with my Dad." Even when we lost we were winners, since the other team could only celebrate by saying things like "I was losing late, but then Brett Favre threw three touchdowns and I beat Off with my Dad." <p>(Hysterically laughing like Beavis...) <p>#5) Bruney Bowl I was settled, going to Iowa. After a magical first season in 2006, the Hawgs have been down and DC looks like it might continue the Bruney tradition of putting first-year expansion teams in the playoffs. This one was chippy throughout, and Jon's victory might cost James a wildcard spot. It is truly a good thing that they scheduled it for this week instead of two weeks later on Thanksgiving weekend. That dinner would get awkward in a hurry. "Please pass the peas, Jon." "Sure. But who should I pass them to? I got Ma, Pa, Uncle Edgar, Aunt Loretta... I'm like Kurt Warner; I got all sorts of quality options to pass to. Here's your peas, James... And another THREE POINTS FOR THE MOTHERF**KING IOWA HAWGS!!!" I bet that's what happens during the holidays at the Manning household when they play touch football in the back yard. <p>Peyton: Okay Cooper, run a Z31 T5 water buffalo. Forty three thirty two. Tango Alpha Skeletor Boba Fett. BREAK!!! <p>Cooper: What? <p>Peyton: Oh, I forgot. Somebody didn't play in The... National... Football... League... I'll dumb it down a little for ya: just run a slant pattern in front of Dad. <p>(After the touchdown...) <p>Eli: Nice try, Pops. On this one I'll scramble around and throw it up for grabs, and you can catch my desperation heave off the top of your head. <p>Archie: But son, Cooper's giving me a huge cushion. What if we throw a quick out and get a first down? <p>Eli: Sure. That's the kind of GENIUS playcalling that won you the Super Bowl against one of the only two undefeated teams ever, right? Oh wait, that was ME. You never even went to the playoffs. Desperation heave on three. BREAK!!! <p>*** <p>Only five weeks left, and things are sloooowly coming into focus, like when you hear a Monday morning alarm clock after an entire day wolfing down stale clearance Meijer Halloween bulk chocolate and nonstop MFL football and Peter Vella boxed wine. Miami is definitely the team: they have the consistency I mentioned last time, and they can unload on teams much like ESPN's Steve Phillips on an intern. (And no, that joke does not get old.) New York is second, with Mizzou improbably taking the third spot. After that it's a Vickesque dogfight between Canton, Pittsburgh, and Chicago. Despite this week's setback, I like the Cougars' Schaub / MJD / Mason Crosby combo to light up the scoreboard and make the wildcard and possibly challenge for the division title. They have a horriffic schedule with Miami, Missouri, and New York in the next three weeks, but I think Canton can take two of the three and prove that Tim Jones' Cox can hang with anybody. <p>(See what I did there?) <p>Hehheh heheheh heh heheh. "Settle down, Beavis." <p>Regards, <p><i>The Purple Pimp</i> <br> <center> <p>Sunday, October 11 <p><i>Megan Fox Is Six-Foot-Eight and Has a Knife</i> </center> <p>Something's been bothering me for the past couple weeks, and it wasn't until the MFL trade deadline that I figured it out. Now let me put this delicately: the Purple Pimp has been with many women in his day-- fat women, skinny women. Classy women, sketchy women. Young women, Bea Arthur. (Before she passed away. Actually while she passed away, but that's a whole 'nother story.) What's been bothering me is the Megan Fox cover of Rolling Stone magazine. <p>Now apparently Megan Fox is the greatest thing since b***jobs and peanut butter, and has the ability to give you the other two. (Now clean up and make me a sammich!) Assuming she doesn't stab you with a broken beer bottle and pee on your lifeless body first. She's the craziest tattooed Hollywood chick with gigantic baby-feeders this side of Jon Voight's daughter. And on the Rolling Stone cover she's showing inner-thigh no-underpants cleavage, which is the rarest and sexiest cleavage beside the almost-forbidden, accidental, maybe-you-saw-it-on-the-beach-when-there-was-a-big-bikini-rocking-wave Underboob. And yet, this Rolling Stone magazine, easy-on-the-eyes pictorial and all, is buried on my end table underneath a worn six-month-old Lindy's NFL Draft magazine and the issue of SPIN with cartoon Eddie Vedder on the cover. <p>Does this make me gay? Or just really enthusiastic about sports and Pearl Jam (the band)? <p>I was talking about this with my pal Willie Aames the other day, and what he said makes sense. "Pimp," he said, "Megan Fox is like an Iowa offensive lineman." <p>Huh? Now I'm not one to doubt Buddy Lembeck, but I was certainly non-plussed. What does that mean? That they'd both start a riot if they take off their shirts? <p>"No," he said. "We have artificially high expectations for them, but they're only getting by because of unusual talents. They're Outliers, like the ones in that book by Malcolm Gladwell that you only know about because Simmons mentioned it on a podcast that one time and then you found out it was on the New York Times bestseller list and now you mention it ALL THE F***ING TIME since you want to sound smart." <p>Touche, Willie Aames, Touche. <p>"See, most college offensive linemen have no idea what they're doing. They just get by on physical ability. Pros draft on physical ability and coach players on technique. You think Andre Smith could block Dwight Freeney's hand-slap to a swim move to a 360 degree spin? No chance. But Andre Smith weighs more than you, me, and Nicole Eggert combined, so he can block non-elite players and will only get better once he figures things out. Most young linemen are like that. <p>But Robert Gallery fooled them: he was a technique player, yet since he was six-eight and looked like Wendy O. Williams gave birth to Frankenstein's monster, they assumed that he was physically talented and drafted him way too high. He's not; he reached his ceiling during the Rose Bowl against Southern Cal. Megan Fox is the same." <p>"Megan Fox is six-foot-eight? Holy crap!" <p>"That was a metaphor, dude. You remember mimeographed worksheets from second grade English class, right?" <p>"Hated those things. I'd rather eat gruel." <p>"Regardless-- and note that I didn't say "irregardless," which people like you say to sound smart even though it isn't really a word and makes me want to punch newborn puppies in the face with spiked brass knuckles-- Robert Gallery and Megan Fox are similar. Most young actresses are either very good looking but can't act, or are well-trained actresses who resemble the puppies I was metaphorically face-punching just a few moments ago. Over time Jennifer Aniston learns to emote or Hilary Swank gets soft lighting and Photoshop. They get "coached up." But neither one has the third thing: a personality that puts her in magazine profiles and makes her a super-duper-star. Megan Fox is decent in all three categories. She looks nice. She isn't jaw-droppingly gorgeous, but she's close. She's a limited but decent actress; no Kate Hepburn in Night of the Iguana, but passable for your typical Hollywood Action Adventure flick. And she has a strangely captivating personality." <p>"You mean the whole I-might-possibly-filet-you-with-a-butterfly-knife-during-sex thing?" <p>"Yes." <p>"That's pretty hot." <p>"..." <p>"So you're saying that, because she has a mix of talents most people don't possess, we overrate each individual talent she has? That we think she's the sexiest woman on the planet because of her decent acting and crazed knifey-ness, even though she isn't as pretty as a lot of models, let alone celebrity chef Giada de Laurentiis (who could make you a super amazing gourmet peanut butter sammich afterwards)?" <p>"..." <p>"That's pretty insightful, Tommy Bradford. Give my regards to Dick Van Patten and Mr. Powell, you crazy bastard." <p>------ <p>After several hours of wildly Not Safe For Work Google searches for "Giada de Laurentiis" + "peanut butter," I decided to reconsider Buddy's thesis and see if I could apply it to the MFL. What do you know? It fits, just like Megan Fox in a spandex jumpsuit. <p>The question most of you are asking is: where are we at this point in the MFL season? Who knows? Its still early enough that "experts" like Dr. K., Mr. W., and Yours Truly have as much insight as the weird, dodgy, possibly-homeless guy you see every day in the 7-11 parking lot. You know, the guy with a greasy mullet and a pocket full of scratch-off tickets who smells of St. Ides malt liquor and Sausage McMuffin farts who loudly has conversations with himself consisting of "What about that Tony Romo? More like PHONY HOMO! AmIright? HAHAHAHAHA!!! Quarterback... Quarter... back. Quarters. Change. Change'll come in 2012. But what about that Tony Romo..." <p>There are a lot of questions still. Is Matt Cassel any good? Is Joe Flacco the real thing? What's the deal with Willis McGahee finally being productive? Will Brandon Jacobs bounce back? By season's end, who will have the better passer rating, Ronnie Brown or JaMarcus Russell? By season's end, who will have the bigger breasts, Megan Fox or JaMarcus Russell? <p>What do we make of Orlando's 3-0 start? New York at 3-1? What about Missouri's stunning decline? Two weeks ago I thought the Mizzou-Pitt game was a Super Bowl preview; now they're both struggling. How about Chicago? MFL teams this year are like Megan Fox and Robert Gallery: each has a blend of unique attributes that makes us jump to the wrong conclusions. With expansion and smarter drafting, most teams have three big time guys and the rest is unpredictable. When Maurice Jones-Drew and Mason Crosby are clicking, Canton will hang 50 on someone and look like the greatest team ever. But when those two have an off day, it's a depressing 15 point defeat. Drew Brees tossed five scores in week one and it looked like Pitt was back to its winning ways. Now days, not so much. A Super Bowl Champion mere months ago, Tony Romo has now legally changed his name to Tony "F My Life" Romo. Why is South Bend 3-1? Because Flacco and Peterson haven't had a bad game or bye week yet. But when they do, Randy DeCleene will be happy that <p>the games aren't broadcast until 11 PM in Iraqistan or wherever the f**k he is. To watch your fantasy team lose in real time-- the TV tuned to the NFL Redzone channel while your laptop is constantly refreshing the ESPN fantasy scoreboard page-- is about as much fun as going quail hunting with Dick Cheney. <p> (And yes, that's an old joke. But 1) I'm sure Randy gets a chuckle out of it when nobody's looking, and 2) Harry Whittington is apparently the 50 Cent of quail hunting, but with more atrial fibrillation and fewer Cristal-sippin' fine-ass bitches. I can hardly wait until he and Cheney release diss tracks against each other on YouTube.) <p>So here's a prediction: going into week five, Miami looks like the best bet to win it all. They have elite players at every position, including a scoring defense, so they should survive even if Michael Turner or Aaron Rogers take a day off. And they have depth, which always comes into play. What if Tom Brady gets roughed up? I don't think Matt Stafford can carry New York into the playoffs. What if the unthinkable happens and Peyton Manning breaks an ankle? The only other QB on the roster is Chad Pennington, who is suffering from something called a Torn Shoulder Capsule. I don't know what that is but it doesn't sound pleasant. On a scale of "getting stabbed" to "getting stabbed while having sex with Megan Fox," I imagine it would be closer to the first one. At least Josh Stuckey got Manning some help with a nice trade for Felix Jones and cap room for a free agent or two. <p>But Miami's the team, I think. And that means we're one Aaron Rogers injury away from... Brett Favre in the Super Bowl? It could happen. We're gonna kick it old school, going back to the early 90's: fire up the Madden Cruiser, get Willie Aames and Nicole Eggert back on the phone. But not Scott Baio. Screw that guy. We're changing the name of the show: its FAVRE IN CHARGE! Call up ESPN 8; I doubt they'd ever think of doing a story about such a scenario. They barely noticed that the guy un-retired, after all. FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE. In a twisted way, I'm almost looking forward to it. <p>And by "looking forward to it," I mean "paint a huge target on my face and call up Dick Cheney. I'll be up in a tree, making quail noises." <p>Regards, <p><i>The Purple Pimp</i> <br> <center> <p>Thursday, September 10 <p><i>Pizza Sex Heroin Christmas</i> </center> <p>All apologies to Hank Jr., but I am ready for some football. I am an addict and I need my fix. <p>The problem with alcohol and drugs isn't that they are bad for you; it's that they are Awesome. So Awesome, in fact, that you are always trying to find a different alcohol or drug that is even Awesomer. And that's where people get into trouble. On a Normal Dude scale, you might enjoy a few beers and a whiskey now and again. But then you get into gin and vodka, and then exotic cocktails mixed with Wyld Stallyon energy drinks and NyQuil and A1 Zesty Tex Mex Picante. On a Rock Star scale, you start with pot and E, but then move on to heroin and Oxycontin and zoo-grade rhinocerous tranquilizers. Just ask Michael Jackson. Doctors Arnold Klein and Conrad Murray for the win! <p>It s the same for us football junkies. Following college and pro football just isn't enough. We have to get into off-shore gambling and fantasy football. In the offseason we have to find something else that gives us a similar, and possibly better, high. We tried baseball, but it's too pastoral and laid back: we want gigantic humans colliding with other gigantic humans at hundreds of miles per hour. UFC is all right, but there aren't enough guys involved. Maybe if they invent Team UFC with ten guys per side kicking, punching, and eye gouging the living f@#k out of each other, I'd be into it. <p>(PS: as a quick observation, do you think Dana White would be nearly as badass if he weren't given a girl's first name? I mean, as a kid he probably had to beat down older kids who called him "Kimberly" as if he were Dana Plato from Diff'rent Stokes. When I have a son-- at least one that I know of-- I think I'll name him Mr. Princess Pink Vagina Wussbag. Either he'll be the most hard-assed UFC champion ever or he'll be some shy computer programmer that invents the 2027 version of Twitter. Either way I get to retire early, move to the French Riviera, and snag a hot Czech trophy wife. Sure she'll pile on the credit card debt and start banging the air conditioner repair guy and asphixiate me with a goose-down pillow as soon as I write her into the will, but in this economy really what else can you expect or hope for? <p>And yes, just for the record, my life goals and expectations are Awesome.) <p>Ahem. So anyway, over the past few weeks in my currently poor, non-kid-nor-trophy-wife-having state, I've been checking out wwitv.com's free access to Bigpond's Australian Rules Football channel. This thing is crazy, violent, unhinged football at its best. Here in the US we talk about punters-- who are basically one-bar face mask soccer guys who aren't good enough to kick field goals-- hitting the overhanging jumbotron at the new Dallas Cowboys Stadium. In Aussie Rules Football guys are kicking, punting, and also elbowing throats and groin-punching, then tossing back a six pack of Foster's and ju-jitsuing spiders and wrestling crocodiles on the way home. Just a little different. The sport is rugby plus hockey plus an island founded by Extreme Red Bull drinking British convicts who got deported to a southen hemisphere wasteland and decided that, instead of dying immediately like normal human beings, they should rock killer animal and insect faces. <p>What other sport has something called a "Blood Rule," which says how much you are allowed to hemmorage your lifeforce on the field before you have to receive treatment? In all, Aussie People, not to mention Aussie Football, equals The Coolest Thing I Have Ever Seen. <p>According to The Internet, which is always 100% factual, the sport was founded by a gentleman named Thomas Wentworth Wills back in 1859. Three awesome facts about T. W. Wills: 1) There is no evidence that he is not related to the MFL's Dave Wills, so lets assume that he is; 2) A hundred years before Haight-Ashbury, he rocked a sweet Jerry Garcia neck beard; and 3) This absolutely indicates he was into whatever 1859 Australian hippie culture there was, which I'm guessing consisted of smoking ground-up scorpion stingers and showing his "cricket bat" to girls with tight shirts and loose morals while a jam band played a forty minute experimental version of "Waltzing Matilda." How else do you explain a sport that changes the color of the ball based on the time of day, or that plays on a field that is the same shape as the ball they use? <p>Aussie Aussie Aussie Oy! Oy! Oy! <p>Oh, another great thing about Australian Footy is how they speak The Queen's English and have bizarre babytalk slang. Like, well, "Footy." Really? It sounds like something the Wiggles are going to sing to your toddler about, not crazy people with mohawks two-hand punching each other as the "ruckman" contests a "bouncedown" by "kicking a guy in the gonads." One announcer described a player breaking free and sprinting toward the goal only to get simultaneously head-butted by three six-foot-two two-hundred-twenty-pound guys and fumble at the goal line as, and I quote, "Things seemed easy peasy til he spilled his lollies." Huh? Sophisticated dialogue and brutal action. It's kinda like watching a Tarantino film. <p>Good times. Aussie Football is great. But in a lot of ways its like Telly Savalas in Kojak giving a heroin addict orange juice and candy bars so he kick for a few days and come down for questioning. American Football is back this week, and I'm ready to mainline the beeyotch. Add the MFL division realignment, and this is more exciting than drugs, fattening food, or boning on a holiday. This is Pizza Sex Heroin Christmas! <p>So, without Freddy Adu, here are the Purple Pimp's sleepers and busts. <p>NUMBER ONE SLEEPER: <p>Donald Brown, Running Back, Colts. The Colts spent the 27th pick in the 2009 NFL draft on Brown and he should be a huge MFL player. The Colts let Dominic Rhodes leave in free agency, so they don't have another option behind Joseph Addai. Addai is the featured back and will split the Colts' carries 65 - 35 to start the season, but Brown could be an impressive third down back and an even bigger fantasy factor when Addai gets hurt again, which should happen soon. <p>NUMBER ONE BUST: <p>Marissa Miller, Swimsuit Model, Sports Illustrated Dot Com. <p>Oh wait, you mean MFL bust... How about Raven's RB Willis McGahee? After last year's off-season knee surgery he had ups and downs, scoring seven touchdowns but never being consistent. He had a career-low in rushing yards and was replaced down the stretch by goal-line beast Le'Ron McClain. McGahee also had arthroscopic ankle surgery this offseason, and Ray Rice has been tearing it up in the off-season. Heads were scratched when Miami kept Rice for over a million bucks this offseason, but it looks to be a saavy move. <p>OTHER SLEEPERS: <p>Joe Flacco, Quarterback, Ravens. The Ravens play conservative, run-first football. But now that Rex Ryan is gone and the defense is getting older, they will open it up a little more. Flacco has a great arm and can wing it deep if they want to. It might take a few years to transistion to pass-blocking O linemen and decent wideouts, but he should have a few three TD games this year and can only get better. <p>Sage Rosenfels, Quarterback, Vikings. If it weren't for the Turnover Game against the Colts, he would have beaten out Schaub for Houston's starting spot all last year. He's a smart but physically limited QB, but can throw TDs and avoid picks most of the time. If it weren't for The Favre, he'd be in my top 16 quarterbacks. As it is, he he looks like the guy to pick up for nickels on the dollar in week five, since Favre will either get hurt or retire days later. And either way, Brad Childress will be replaced next year as Minnesota Head Coach by someone who spent their Dungeons & Dragons Character Points on Offensive Coordinating or Head Coaching instead of on Awesome Moustache Having. <p>Chris Henry, Wide Receiver, Bengals. As a Human Being, I hate Chris Henry. This thug has been sent to earth from the planet Krypton by his father Jor-El, destined to become Super Thug. Chad 86 and Laveranues Coles are past their primes so SuperThug should get significant playing time as the Bengals' number three wide receiver or better. If he can avoid drugs, guns, and vicious assaulty behavior he will be a fantastic big play guy and could be a top ten TD maker by years' end. Or he'll go to jail, or get traded to Oakland. Oakland's worse. <p>OTHER BUSTS (BESIDES ALEXIS TEXAS, "ACTRESS," WICKED PICTURES): <p>Cedric Benson, Running Back, Bengals. Good news: he's the Cincinnati Bengals' starting running back. In the last two games of the season in which he ran for 282 yards and a touchdown on 63 carries. Bad news: with Palmer healthy they will throw much more this year, and there's no way they are running thirty-plus times per games. Benson only had 3.5 yards per carry, so unless Andre Smith becomes the next Jackie Slater this will not end well. <p>Joseph Addai, Running Back, Colts. See Donald Brown. <p>Ben Watson, Tight End, Patiots. So Watson is a gimp, and his only advocate is Tom Brady, who was hurt last year. As a result he had only 22 receptions and 2 touchdowns (his lowest totals since his rookie season). The Patriots brought in new tight ends Chris Baker and The-Not-QB Alex Smith. Like Bob Dylan sang, "You don't have to be Bill Ayers to see which way the wind blows.' <p>WTF?! PLAYER OF THE YEAR: <p>Tim Hightower, Running Back, Cardinals. Hightower was an awesome unknown free agent pickup who faded down the stretch over the final half of last season. He put up 10 TD's as a rookie in 2008, but was under three yards per carry. At first glance, Arizona's decision to draft Ohio State's Beanie Wells drops Hightower to the bench and he should be dropped immediately. But this also lets him stay fresh and excel as a receiver out of the backfield on third down and as the goal-line back. Hightower won't put up impressive yardage totals, but he could rock out double digit touchdowns, making him the MFL MVP. He is either Brandon Jacobs or Bam Morris; either way I am stunned Jon Bruney has not acquired him yet. <p>FINAL STANDINGS: <p>If I had to guess, and that's sort of my job here, I'd project the MFL Division winners as: Pittsburgh, Miami, and Chicago. Last year's Super Bowlers Canton and Missouri are the next in line. They are Awesome, but not quite Vodka and NyQuil Awesome. They might get there, but I have smoked too many ground-up scorpion stingers this evening to know all the wild card scenarios and permutations, not to mention tie-breakers, so I'll keep it at that. Math is hard. With all the realignment and expansion, it will be a slugfest, that's for sure. Have fun this year, and try not to spill your lollies, you wankers. Less than twenty four hours til Pizza Sex Heroin Christmas. <p>Or, as Kojak put it, "Who loves you, Baby?" <p>Aussie Aussie Aussie Oy! Oy! Oy! <p>Regards, <p><i>The Purple Pimp</i> <br> <center> <p>Thursday, June 25 <p><i>Pimpin Ain t Easy (Now with 60% more Ether!)</i> </center> <p>I know, you think that being the <i>Purple Pimp</i> is nothing but sipping Night Train from an <i>Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom</i> Taco Bell collectible tumbler and dorking chubby single moms who have daddy issues and ankle tattoos, but I got news for you: to quote Big Daddy Kane, "Pimpin Ain t Easy." To put it mildly, ever since I turned thirty I ve been gimpier than Joe Theismann starring in a Whack-a-Mole Game while Lawrence Taylor has forty bucks of tokens to spend on the leg-breaking stick. <p>Man, I don t even have to work out anymore to gimp myself. Just the other night I hurt myself IN MY SLEEP. It was weird: In my dream I imagined watching TV with my mom, only we were stuck watching infomercials. After the Snuggy, the Sham-WOW, and the Slap-Chop (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUbWjIKxrrs">You're going to love my nuts!</a>), we saw an incomprehensible commercial for some Chuck Norris Total Gym / Bowflex knockoff. The dude was doing all manner of crazy hamstring-shredding elliptical machine Kung Fu, and my mom said,  Wow, if you buy that you could really get hurt. Seconds later, I woke up with my right ankle throbbing. <p>Yes, this is the one and only time I will use  in my dream ,  my mom ,  my nuts , and  throbbing in the same paragraph. Unless my dad re-marries with reality TV s <i>The Cougar</i>, I guess. Or if he marries an actual cougar, since I d be all about f***ing it, just for the challenge. <p>Anyway, the great thing about being hurt is what you can blame on the medication. You can say,  I m sorry, boss, my back tightened up last night and I took a doctor-prescribed Vicodin. I certainly didn t plan to doze off in that meeting. What you mean is,  I drank 750ml of Night Train and huffed three-quarters of a can of Valvoline Pyroil Engine Starting Fluid (Now with 60% more Ether!) out of a Bush s Val-U Land plastic shopping bag during my lunch break. I m going to close my office door now and stare at the <a href="http://majorlycool.com/media/1/20080110-santana-abraxas-album-cover.jpg">Santana  Abraxas album cover</a> for a few hours, then leave early to go home and sniff more Ether. <p>But first I ll use my manager status to fire Trevor and Bethany, who don t seem to believe in the mystical world of the golden elephant men and the soul-stealing dragon-bird-people. <p>Deny the existence of the dragon-bird-people? Good God, man. Have you already forgotten the lessons of Hitchcock? Tippi Hedren barely made it through when them non-dragon feathery sons-of-bitches were engaging in hand-to-hand errr& hand-to-wing combat. It will be a massacre! Indeed this will be a rude awakening for Trevor and B-Train. I m guessing that they don t appreciate the  smooth, rusty-nails taste of Night Train, or sniff the Wal-Mart brand knockoff Ether instead of Genuine Valvoline Pyroil, or that they haven t thoroughly read the Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Second Edition Monstrous Compendium, that douchebag, and that whatever-you-call-a-female-version-of-a-douchebag. <p>DON T TEST ME, YOU DISBELIEVING SONS-OF-GORVIL! I WILL SHOVE THIS MONTROUS COMPENDIUM RIGHT UP YOUR SHAMBLING MOUND! GELATINOUS CUBE FTW! <p>Whoa! What was that!?! A flashback to that horrible Rona Jaffee  Mazes and Monsters movie, perhaps. Starring Tom Hanks, an imprimatur of quality. Relax& Relax... Ok, I m cool. RELAX!!! Ok. Whew, ok no more Ether for me. For now. <p>But enough about all that, it s harshing my mellow. It s summer time, man. Sun s shining, sweet corn on the grill, Night Train in the cooler. It s all good& I might head down to the beach later, check out the surf and the sand and the women half my age. Which is a little weird, since I m thirty-one and would probably end up meeting Chris Hanson on national TV. And, hell, I would have to grow a moustache and acquire a Hannah Montana backpack full of wine coolers and Fallout Boy CDs for the occasion, so that s not going to happen. Maybe not half my age, then; how about half my age, plus five years? That puts them in the 20 - 21 range, which seems a reasonable ogling/creepiness ratio. <p>Honestly, man, I can t believe what a meat market the beach is now.: either I m getting old, or things changed drastically over the past ten years. These kids-- both male and female-- work out all the time and take vitamins and have eating disorders. They have less body fat than Christian Bale in  The Machinist, and he s the freaking Batman, for the love of Mike. And these young people shave everything. Dudes with no chest-hair, like the Bizarro World Tom Jones. Show some pride, dude: a tit-carpet used to be the 1970 s epitome of manliness, and besides, now what is going to make your diamond-encrusted gold necklace medallion stand out? And the girls? Even the Goth-y chicks are in on it: just the other day I was chatting up an eyebrow pierced, flaming red tomato-haired Hayley Williams clone, and used the classy, old-school line,  Nice hair. So does the carpet match the drapes? (It was the Night Train talking.) To my surprise, she retorted,  Wood floors. Freshly waxed. <p>HEY-OH! <p>So speaking of vaginas (**PROFESSIONAL BLOGGER SEGUE. DO NOT ATTEMPT AT HOME**), I guess Gisele Bundchen s is in the news. Mere months from now a miniature Tom Brady is going to pass through said item and enter this world, and eighteen years later is going to lead his old man s alma mater to a national championship. Hail to the Victors! Go Blue! And then get drafted by the Pittsburgh Spears and win the MFL title and MVP. Or he will shock the world and attend Ohio State, then go to the Canton Cougars, which will make Nate Russo hang himself in a hotel closet like David Carradine except with photos of Bo Schembechler and Peyton Manning strewn about the place. Ahem. Anyway, a part of me hopes that there is some sort of weird scientific event like with OctoMom and Gisele has several kids at once. MTV could shoot a reality TV series about her modeling with a gigantic, Warren Sapp  size belly, and then fold it into a Jon and Kate Plus Eight ripoff. <p>Then they could hire a wacky housekeeper named Alice and call the show,  The Brady Bundchen. <p>Thank you, Funny Bone Comedy Club! I ll be selling DVDs at a foldout table by the door after the show, and don t forget to tip your waitress& <p>So Mrs. Tom Brady s hoo-ha is probably the most important football news I have to report this summer. Sure we have The Favre donning a Vikings uniform, but I haven t seen someone this purple and washed up since she got an ill-advised ride home after a night drinking with Ted Kennedy in 1969. (Come on, that s funny stuff! Where s your sense of humor, Democrats? A few months ago I got in major trouble with my best chica when Kennedy gifted his pet Bo, a Portuguese Water Dog, to President Obama and I opined  Unsurprisingly, the one factor Ted Kennedy looks for in a canine is the ability to swim. Silent treatment for the Purple Pimp. Seriously, people, Chappaquiddick was THIRTY YEARS AGO. At this point its water under the-- Oh. Wait. Never mind.) <p>The only other news is that the United Football League held their inaugural draft. The Las Vegas team <a href="http://www.ufl-football.com/press/2009/06/19/_premiere_season_draft">drafted a kicker named Andrew Jacas</a>. The sarcasm-potential when pronouncing his name is off the charts.  Way to miss that game-winning field goal, Jacas. That s my favorite this-rookie-is-getting-pantsted-and-tied-to-the-goalpost name since Florida State / Miami Dolphins wideout De Cody Fagg. In all, the UFL teams drafted NFL busts like Michigan s Chris Perry (again, Go Blue! Get Mr. Russo s closet-hangin -belt ready), and pretty much everyone who is rated under 62 overall in Madden 2007, like the spell-checker-breaking Cory Lekkerkerker. In fact I was planning on having ESPN s Bill Simmons on as the first ever Purple Pimp Podcast Guest, but I scrapped the idea once New York took Bowling Green receiver Steve Sanders and our talk deteriorated into rehashing fifteen-year-old  Beverly Hills 90210 episodes. <p> Seriously, Johnny (ED: NOT MY NAME), Ian Ziering is to  90210 what Jerry Sichting was to the 1986 Celtics. He wasn t part of the Perry/Priestly/Doherty :: Bird/Parrish/McHale big three, but if you needed a sub who could step in and get hot for seven minutes or carry a meaningless episode in November while the rest of the cast rested, he would always drain the open corner jumper. Scott Wedman, on the other hand, was a lot like Boof in  Teen Wolf. As a matter of fact, I was hanging out at Jimmy Kimmel s house last week when&  <p>So that s it for the Purple Pimp: enjoy your summer, mofos. Single guys: get out to the beach and spend the afternoon drinking Night Train and meeting some fun-bunnies. Married guys: get in the back yard and spend the evening grilling up some sweet corn with your kids. Single and/or married guys: spend the twilight hours drinking some Night Train with your special fun-bunny and making some more kids, possibly while curled up under a Snuggy. <p> You're going to love my nuts! <p>Regards, <p><i>The Purple Pimp</i> <br> <center> <p>Saturday, December 20 <p><i>This Bowl is Super, Thanks for Asking</i> </center> <p>So some of you laughed when I suggested that Drew Kuespert was responsible for injuring Tom Brady. But after the most competitive MFL season ever, Missouri gets to play the Super Bowl at home. Not that big of deal, right? Uh... While the home fans will be revved up for this one, I am not. I really don't want to be here in St. Louis. Seriously, whoever came up with the idea of rotating the Super Bowl game between the MFL clubs' home stadiums should be beaten with reeds. Its fricking freezing, and boring as heck. Why can't we just have the game in Vegas or New Orleans or Miami every year? <p>The Super Bowl is not just a reward for the clubs involved; it's a one week party for the fans and corporate sponsors. So tell me, sports fans, would you rather be stumbling down Bourbon Street at Four AM with a head full of Hurricanes and looking at boobs, or blogging on your iPhone while shoveling down Streamliners at Johnny Rockets because everything else closes at Ten? <p>Does the CEO of Kitty Beef want to spend five days snowbound reading the St. Louis Post Dispatch in the lobby of the Hilton Garden Inn, or does he want to be sipping umbrella drinks on the beach and canoodling with bikini-clad coeds that Mrs. Kitty Beef doesn't need to know about? What about Mr. Leonard Nimoy? This lack of excitement makes him want to two-hand overhand punch somebody. <p>And what about the journalists covering the game? Thanks to the MFL's meager travel budget, Mr. W and I aren't even near the center of whatever action there is. We're stuck in the Cackling Jackal Motel out by the airport, where the roar of planes descending is only interrupted by the siren song of bed frames thumping against the paper-thin walls. In order to get to the press events at the Convention Center, I have to hop on a bus and spend forty minutes freezing my behind off, stuck next to all sorts of weirdos hacking and coughing and giving me SARS. It's like one giant Germ Mosh Pit. <p>Just a second... I think the hobo in the Rae Carruth jersey and army jacket just wiped some hepatitis on me while trying to steal my Heartland's Best Value Gin. You want to go, little man? Huh? I didn't think so. YOU DO NOT MESS WITH THE PIMP! RAAAAARGH! <p>Anyway... Woo Hoo! Party! And this is St. Louis, where there's actually stuff to do. I've seen the Arch (aka The Tall Loopy Thing), the Budweiser brewery (aka The House 50% of My Income Built), and Harrah's Casino St. Louis (The House the Other 50% Built). This is a cornucopia of awesome compared to the last two Super Bowl Weeks in Arkdale and Canton. There is only so much pay-per-view soft porn you can watch, after all. A few hours in your mind starts wandering and you lose interest in the faux-boning and get more interested in the fantastic houses they shot these films in. Like,  Wow, that granite kitchen countertop they're banging on would look great in my house, or  The tilework around the hot tub is fantastic. I wonder who their contractor is? And what product do they use to remove all the spoo stains from the grout? <p>Anyway, my reward for all this is to sit in an ice storm for four hours until my extremities turn blue. Busch Stadium? Not inside the temperature-controlled Edward Jones Dome? Give me a freaking break. Oh well, assuming I don't die, I'll get one of those spank-ass bronchial infections that will make me sound like Tom Waits for a week. And the ladies love Tom Waits. <p>On to game analysis, which is what they supposedly pay me for. As my fourteen year old, white, wants-to-be-black cousin might say,  Break it break it break it down, yo. <p>I really want to slap that kid. <p>Quarterback <p>Could someone tell me how Kyle Orton got to be one of the best players in the league? Up until two months ago, the only thing remotely remarkable about him was his ability to consume inhuman amounts of Jack Daniels on a bye week. Meanwhile, Tony Romo has become Drew Bledsoe 2.0 Fantastic numbers early, but disappears in big games. Word has it that Tim Jones has flown Jessica Simpson in for the game, and given her a custom-made pink Peregrines jersey. But Mizzou should be okay as long as he doesn't have to be the holder on a game-winning field goal attempt. ADVANTAGE: PUSH <p>Running Back <p>In Greek mythology, Cerberus is a multi-headed demon dog that keeps dead people from coming back to the world of the living. LenDale White and Chris Johnson have spent this season keeping... MFL owners from coming back... to the world of the scoreboard, or something. Damn you, Heartland's Best Value Gin! I almost had a cohesive metaphor there. Meanwhile, Maurice Jones-Drew and LaDanian Tomlinson are the best tandem in the league. And they abbreviate their names, which all the kids love. MJD and LT are BFFs AFAIK. LOL ROTFLMAO. F. U! ADVANTAGE: CANTON <p>Wide Receiver <p>This could go either way, depending on which Braylon Edwards shows up. If it is Mr. Hands of Stone, Canton will have a big advantage. But Missouri wins if its the guy who makes absurd leaping left-handed one-handed catches. In a locally televised college game he did just that, and the ex-jock, meathead, vocabulary-challenged color guy exclaimed  Left handed?! He must be amphibious! The play by play guy muttered under his breath  Yes, he was born with gills but they have developed into lungs rather nicely. ADVANTAGE: CANTON <p>Tight End <p>Jason Witten is one of the best in the league, and anyone who coldcocks T.O. and then talks crap about him to ESPN's Ed Werder is ace in my book. Dustin Keller is solid, but Favre doesn't dump it off to his tight ends, and has been erratic lately. And by lately, I mean the last ten years. Maybe he should start drinking and using horse tranquilizers again. It's like when Aerosmith got clean and started pumping our awful power ballads during the mid 90s. Could you guys please get back on heroin and start rocking again? ADVANTAGE: CANTON <p>Defense / Special Team <p>Jacksonville is good, but goes up against an Indy team that doesn't turn it over. Meanwhile Dallas gets to play a low-octane offense with a rookie quarterback. And as Roy Williams gets more familiar with the offense, they will try to get the explosive Patrick Crayton more touches as a kick and punt returner, which is like Dwyane Wade playing basketball against a bunch of third graders. ADVANTAGE: MISSOURI <p>Kicker <p>I hate kickers. They should not be part of a touchdowns only league. If you do your homework and pick LeRon McClain off waivers on the day he puts up two scores, you should win. But if Rob Bironas kicks five field goals for your opponent, it doesn't matter. Kickers are more evil than taking candy from babies, then giving it to diabetic babies. Kickers are always a crapshoot, and it gets worse late in the year when you get swirling winds and snowstorms and drunk homeless Rae Carruth trying to murder them on the bus the day before the game. ADVANTAGE: ? <p>Finally... <p>THE PURPLE PIMP'S PLAYOFF PROBABLITIES, PREDICTION, PROJECTION, AND PROGNOSTICATION (AKA The Seven P's): <p>Canton has the advantage, but Missouri has the home crowd and the sinister Drew Kuespert. The referee crew of Dick Bavetta, Tim Donaghy, and Ed Hoculi will keep it close, but I see Canton pulling it out late on a Mason Crosby field goal. Tim Jones will win his first title, the MFL season will be over, and I can get out of this chilly, forsaken wasteland. Come on, MFL owners, why not just do the next one in Vegas? The weather is better, there is a lot more to do, and we could take a field trip to the Chicken Ranch. (Mrs. Kitty Beef doesn't have to know.) And not only would it be awesome, but the Adult Video Awards are the week after, and I could use some pointers on getting new granite kitchen countertops. <p>Regards, <p><i>The Purple Pimp</i> <br> <center> <p>Wednesday, October 22 <p><i>Rehab is for Quitters</i> </center> <p>It seems that some of you feel that the last column was a little half assed. I disagree; I think it was more like three-quarter assed, or maybe five-eighth assed. But really, what job requires you be  full assed anyway? Maybe a pole dancer, but I've met some decidedly unenthusiastic strippers who still make hundreds of Budweiser-and-jam-soaked dollar bills each night. Mostly from me, but that's beside the point. <p>There were some missed opportunities, yeah. I should have led with  Nailin' Paylin and tossed in more jokes about  drill here, drill now, or Joe the Plumber  layin' pipe. But after rereading it, I think the actual football stuff was decent. I still like the Chicago Ravens, no matter what you guys think. <p>Some MFL owners posted on the forum that the years of drugs and booze have distorted my judgment on such things, and that I should go to Rehab. Maybe they're right. After all, I have done my share of brain case / liver punishing. (And The Brain Case / Liver Punishers absolutely has to be the name of a rock band. We can get together this weekend in Mr. W's garage and play covers of Melvins songs. E-mail me if you're interested.) <p>But Rehab, huh? I decided to ask the foremost expert on Rehab, Miss Amy Winehouse. She recommended,  No, no, no. I trust her judgment. The thing I like about Amy is that, as far as drug ingestion is involved, she goes at it full-assed. It was reported last week that she bought a cotton candy machine, then modified it to dispense delicious, edible, whipped cocaine. <p>Now that's dedication! The extent of my fun has been  Let's smoke a bowl and watch the Price is Right and get way too philosophical about how Plinko is the ultimate metaphor for the chances we take in life, not  Let's invent a crazy multi-step Rube Goldberg machine to get high from. Way to take it to the next level, you Nicola Tesla you! <p>Amy Winehouse has single-handedly saved Rock n' Roll, even though her songs are neither rock nor roll. Too many modern bands are like The Strokes or The Killers. The music is solid, but they aren't dangerous and unhinged. Amy Winehouse is the Guns N' Roses of our generation. GNR was awesome because they were simpletons from Indiana that didn't understand what hair metal was about. Bands were all image, appealing to teenage boys who wanted to party and get drunk and get laid. It's no wonder we still hear Poison or Motley Crue in strip clubs: they were all about adolescent fantasies of endless one dollar Heinekens and willing bleach blondes with gigantic boobies. <p>So the guys in Warrant would spend a Wednesday posing for the cover of Hit Parader, pretending to swig fifths of Jack Daniels with impossible top-heavy models. But then they'd go back to Jani Lane's apartment and eat Domino's pizza and play Nintendo Excite Bike and barely stay awake to watch Johnny Carson's opening monologue before going to sleep at 11:42 PM. They were normal dudes most of the time, and only put on the spandex makeup show on Friday and Saturday nights, and when promoting their albums. <p>But GNR figured that to be rock stars they needed to be drunk and high and bedding big-haired skanks 24/7/365. Slash freely admits to boning groupies, waking up to smoke crack at four in the morning, then writing incredibly scary drug-influenced guitar riffs with Megadeth's Dave Mustaine. Axl was notorious for getting loaded before shows, then freaking out and beating the sh*t out of fans, and then the security guards who interfered with his fan sh*t beating. He also beat the sh*t out of his supermodel girlfriends. Which makes Steven Adler all the more awesome, because he was so out of control he got kicked out of Guns N' Roses. <p>I have his photo on my wall for inspiration. <p>Hair metal was all about an impossible partying lifestyle: GNR's music was different, since they failed at living that lifestyle and were brutally introspective about why. See  One In a Million. Despite me making all this money and being considered amazingly cool, why do I still hate myself? Why do I have to drink inhuman amounts of Jack Daniels in order to sleep each night? Why am I such an idiot? Amy Winehouse's  Back To Black does the same thing. Critics think I am awesome. I am self-destructive and do dumb things, like heroin and coke, which make me lose my family and friends. Why am I such an idiot? To soothe the pain, I guess I'll do more dumb things, such as heroin and coke. <p>Now that, my friends, is the essence of Rock and F*cking Roll. Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, and Janis Joplin would approve. At least, they would if they weren't dead from substance abuse. Which is sorta the point. Rock and Roll never sleeps. It just drinks too much and passes out for a while. <p>And now, actual football related substance, as opposed to controlled substance. This Week's Purple Pimp Power Poll: <p>1)Chicago Ravens  great runningback play, as mentioned in the previous column. This ad is brought to you by NyQuil for President.  I'm Jeremy Bonk, and I endorse this message. <p>2)Iowa Hawgs  Jacobs and Lynch are touchdown machines, and John Kasay and FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE have had been rejuvenated FAVRE.  I'm John Madden, and I endorse this FAVRE. <p>3)Canton Cougars  Steven Jackson is back, and LT is starting to get healthy. MJD is on the bench, making for a scary backup option. And surprise  Schaub and Orton have been difference makers so far for a very complete team. <p>4)New York Lynx  With every East team besides Canton struggling to find offense, the Bears D/ST will win them a few games, and they get the slight nod over Pitt and Miami. Seriously, since Westbrook got dinged its been first team over 20 points gets the win in division games. <p>5)Pittsburgh Spears  Their offense has been second worst in the MFL this year, but they've found a way to gut it out. But it caught up to them last week with Addai hurt. Good thing they have Rashard Mendenhall to fill in... Crap. <p>6)Miami Mafia  Apparently the Mannings decided to trade places this year, like in The Parent Trap or Single White Female. And I should have seen the Mewelde Moore thing coming; he used to play for Minnesota. Minnesota wears purple. Therefore Mewelde Moore = Pimp. <p>7)Missouri Peregrines  Remember the scene in Robocop when the ED-209 freaks out in the OmniCorp boardroom and gratuitously pumps machine gun rounds into the unarmed executive's chest? That's what  RomoCop's injury did to Mizzou's title hopes. <p>8)Arkdale Aarvarks  They have a bunch of okay players, a couple decent wideouts, and Peyton Manning. If my drug-addled recollection serves, an MFL team won the Super Bowl two years ago with that formula. Those were the days... <p>9)Dowagiac Fighting Chefs  (by special guest writer Forrest Gump) My momma always said Brian Westbrook is like a box of chocolates: get the wrong one and you swell up and die. My momma was allergic to peanuts. <p>10) South Bend Scraps  They have a solid nucleus and should be competitive next year. Philip Rivers is #2 among MFL quarterbacks. Santana Moss is the #7 wide receiver. On the bright side for Pittsburgh, they traded those dudes so they could get Rashard Mendenhall. Crap. <p>So, for the most part this column has more to do with hair metal than with the MFL. I could have used some lame conceit and compared each MFL team to an 80's band (Dowagiac is definitely Winger: they look the part but just don't rock. Pittsburgh is Motley Crue: they can kill people in DUIs and overdose on heroin, but it never seems to catch up to them. Missouri with Brad Johnson is Van Halen with Sammy Hagar. Chicago and Iowa are Nirvana and Pearl Jam, and come from nowhere to break up the genre.) <p>But as for Rehab? No thanks. Rather burn out than fade away. Damn the Man! I'll be chilling out in the Purple Pimp Mansion, sipping my dollar store plastic tumbler of Wild Turkey and Diet Meijer Cola, listening to Amy Winehouse and Axl Rose sing about cocaine and sodomy. Cocaine and Sodomy? That should also be a band name. Or at least the title of The Brain Case / Liver Punishers debut album. <p>It'll be double platinum, baby. Double Effing Platinum. <p>Regards, <p><i>The Purple Pimp</i> <br> <center> <p>Thursday, October 16 <p><i>October Surprise</i> </center> <p>Contrary to what you may have heard, the Commish did not have me executed over the last column, G-Funk style with the gun held parallel to the ground, sh*t and stuff, money. (I was roughed up, however.) I left it up to Mr. W to provide you with your MFL blog infotainment, but he's been busy with out-of-town family shiznit, so I guess I'll be the first blogger to update in a while. You guys really deserve more. Vote Generic Challenger in 2008! <p>So let's see, what's happened over the past few weeks? The U.S. Economy pulled a Where's Waldo? and disappeared, sorta like me and Mr. W. The Dow Jones plummeting, businesses closing, job layoffs. Things are so bad, the Two Girls had to pawn their One Cup. (Go ahead, Jay Leno. Steal that joke. I double dog dare you.) Also, almost as improbable, the Chicago Ravens are #1 on the Purple Pimp Power Poll. <p>Exsqueeze me? Baking powder? Yup, the Ravens. Now maybe its because it is 3:45 AM and I have the flu and therefore am hopped up on a combo of Sudafed, NyQuil, and Franzia Chillable Red, plus whatever random crap is still in my bloodstream from last weekend-- THC, LSD, PCP, GHB, ERA, RBI, Value Over Replacement Player-- but yeah, you heard me. <p>Right now my mind is jumping from place to place, like the aging hipster forty year old guy with an earring and goatee at the gas station checkout who is almost in line, but hangs about five feet back absorbing the latest Brangelina headlines from US Weekly, then scans the candy rack for Tic-tacs, and then seems to be completely absorbed by a three dollar mini flashlight, but gets punch-you-in-the-head offended if you step in front of him to pay for your New England's Best coffee. So I'm in a good place right now. Not like you read the Purple Pimp due to my laser keen intellect or anything, but I like to bring a modicum of professionalism to the table.  Modicum is a fun word to pronounce. What!?! <p>Sudafed is a douchebag. <p>So why do I like the Ravens? I call it the Sarah Palin Principle: it's so unexpected you should have seen it coming. A year ago Palin started showing up on national media (all I noticed at the time was that Craig Ferguson saw her MILF glasses and thought she was a  naughty librarian ); Chicago acquired gimpy but normally solid Steve Smith and Clinton Portis for next to nothing. <p>Clinton Portis may or may not have a Naughty Librarian press conference character in the works. I prefer not to know. <p>In August, we heard rumors about Palin as the Veep pick; in August, Bonk had a tremendous MFL draft. If I were smarter, I'd have predicted it months ago and put Mr. W. and Dr. K to shame. Larry Flynt got the Palin pick right and will make millions: his adult film  Nailin' Paylin is the talk of the Internet. Google it if you think I'm making it up. Or not, if you're at work. I cannot confirm or deny that there is a horrific gay grandfather porn called  Ridin' Biden. So for the sake of argument, I'll say yes, there is. Probably in Germany. Along with  My Cane 2008 and  Barack That Ass Up. <p>Ahem. <p>So just about everyone in the MFL is still in contention, so why do I like the Ravens? Two words: starting runningbacks. The NFL has gone wacky with goal-line guys and change-of-pace guys. But Chicago has Portis and Forte, who are in traditional offenses and will get TDs as well as yards. The main problem with the MFL is not  Touchdown Vultures. Those guys are awesome, as Jon Bruney can explain to you. They are reliable. I can win with a starting lineup of: <p>QB: Danny Tanner<br> RB: Brandon Jacobs<br> RB: Donna Jo  D.J. Tanner<br> WR: Stephanie Tanner<br> WR: Michelle Tanner<br> TE: Uncle Joey<br> D/ST: Uncle Jessie<br> K: Garo Yepremian<br> <p>No, it's  Touchdown Ninjas, unexpected guys who leap from the shadows and assassinate your scoring total. Not sure what I mean? Let's say you have Ahmad Bradshaw. You know that on a first and goal from the one, Brandon Jacobs will get the carry. You die a little inside, but know you deserve it since you own Ahmad Bradshaw in a touchdowns-only league. On the other hand, let's say you have Michael Turner. He's run for a buck fiddy already and takes a well-deserved breather on a first down at the opponent's 31 yard line. You're excited that the Falcons are getting close to scoring position and might chalk up six points for you. Then Jerious Norwood gets a carry to the left, cuts back right, and blows through the defense for a touchdown. <p>You didn't see it coming. <p>The NFL got a whole lot more explosive these past couple years. Teams are using their first round picks on guys like DeAngelo Williams, Felix Jones, and Chris Johnson. Normally you would think that bruisers like Jonathan Stewart, Marion Barber, and LenDale White would be the must-have guys. But these newbies can score from anywhere on the field, so instead it's a 50/50 crapshoot as to who will find the endzone. And starting them is equally crapshooty. DeAngelo Williams hasn't scored in the MFL in two years, but he exploded for 15 points in week five, on the bench. Last week? Zero. <p>So welcome to the New Reality, where you cannot predict fantasy football or the stock market. This is unprecedented stuff in an unprecedented time. In a few weeks we will either elect our first black president, or our first female vice president. If I would have told you six months ago that Jeremy Bonk was the best owner in the MFL, you would have dismissed me as a deranged weirdo, probably with a pit in his basement, and also probably an aficionado of lotion and/or baskets. But today? <p>Chicago Ravens 2008. Yes We Can. <p>Regards, <p><i>The Purple Pimp</i> <br> <center> <p>Thursday, September 11 <p><i>Bradygate</i> </center> <p>Sasquatch. UFOs. Watergate. They all pale in comparison to the shocking cover-up involved in MFL's Week One. <p>Let me set the stage... As the cliché goes, it was a dark and stormy night. Only it wasn't especially stormy. Maybe a little muggy. Not gulf coast level muggy, just a little muggier than usual. Kinda like how those Betty Crocker cakes with the pudding in the mix are slightly moister than a regular cake. That much muggier. But stormy, no. <p>Earlier that evening there was a get together at the friendly confines of Purple Pimp mansion to ring in the start of the new MFL season. Uncharacteristically, your host had turned in early. To be frank, I think it was an unusually tense game of Jarts with Erik Estrada that drained me so. (That Ponch is one competitive bastard.) <p>The doorbell rang. <p>Groggy from slumber and slightly tweaked from some cat tranquilizer Alektra Blue told me I just had to try, I figured it was Prince, who had left his diamond-encrusted thigh-high platform boots by the hot tub.  Come back tomorrow, you magnificent purple bastard! I growled. <p>The bell continued to ring. <p> For the last time, I am not letting you redecorate this place. I saw what you did to Carlos Boozer's house. <p>Ring. Ring. Ring. <p>Finally I relented and shuffled to the door, and boy howdy was I glad I did. My guest was not Prince. She wore a dress that seemed painted on, hugging every curve of her body. If I had to guess, I'd say she was five foot ten. But then again, I'm terrible on guessing people's heights, and my vision was fading in and out thanks to the ketamine. But she was definitely gorgeous, with bright, lively eyes, pouty lips upturned slightly at the corners into a devious smile, and voluptuous breasts. It was the kind of body that made men want to have sex with her. <p> Greeting, lovely Femme Fatale I will use as a narrative device in this column, I said.  How can I help you? <p>She sat down on the couch, stretching her perfect, six foot four inch legs. I took one more long glance at all seven foot three of her body, and began to pour two cognacs from the side bar. <p> Mr. Purple Pimp. Let me be straightforward, she said in a straightforward manner.  Tom Brady's injury was no fluke. He's faking. It is a conspiracy of the highest order. I know who did it, and I can prove it. <p>I did a Danny Thomas spit-take with my cognac.  What are you talking about? And how would you know? Why are you mixed up in this? You are like eight foot two. You should be in the WNBA, not pursuing conspiracy theories. <p> First of all, I'm five foot four, five seven in heels. Secondly, pay attention. Remember in 1993 when Michael Jordan abruptly retired for no reason at all? After the Bulls had ripped off three straight titles and were a virtual lock for a fourth? And how there were rumors that it wasn't a retirement, but a suspension imposed by David Stern due to MJ's crippling gambling problem. Similar thing here. <p> I'm not sure where you're going with this, Miss, but I don't like it. And you're sure you're five four? I have a measuring tape in the kitchen junk-drawer if you don't mind. I mean, I was way off, there... <p> You see, the Patriots were too good last year. Brady and Moss shattered records. They piled up Eff You Touchdowns, turning close games into blowouts. They ruined both NFL football for non-Patriots fans, and fantasy football for non- Brady and Moss -havers. So the league had to do something. Enter SpyGate. The NFL conveniently closed the SpyGate investigation and destroyed the evidence, barely slapping the Pats on the wrist. But a bargain was struck. <p>My mind was reeling, tossed around like a pinball in a pinball game being played by someone who was really good at hitting all of those rubber bumper things and then slapping the ball back with the flippers to get a ludicrously high score. <p> You see, she said,  Brady isn't hurt. He forfeited this season as punishment. Goodell made it clear: take a Sonny Liston dive, or the league will strongly consider taking your Super Bowl titles-- and perfect regular season-- away. <p> But that's stupid. All they have is the unsubstantiated word of a former video assistant / assistant golf pro. Why would Brady agree? <p> The deal was set up a year ago, before the Patriots knew all the evidence, she said. Five-four? At least she wasn't a midget. Midgets creep me out a bit. Not as much as clowns, but enough to give me nightmares. At least Steven King never wrote a book about murderous midgets. She continued.  SpyGate itself was a setup. Who turned in the Patriots? The Jets, a divisional rival coached by Belichick protégé Eric Mangini. His reward: Brett Favre retires almost six months to the day later, is reinstated by Commissioner Goodell, and is immediately traded to the Jets, just in time for them to contend in the Brady-less AFC East. <p>I poured myself another cognac.  Like two tons of elephant dung, this is some heavy sh*t. But what does this have to do with me? I'm just a lowly MFL blogger. Why not break your story to Peter King or something? <p>She re-crossed her shapely, decidedly non-midget legs.  First, because you drink like a fish. A fish who smells like Remy Martin all the time instead of Starbucks hazelnut triple latte half caff. People will think you're being humorous and let it go instead of trying to silence you. This lets your column, as non-widely read as is, spread the truth via the Google cache. Oh, and while we're on the topic of silencing whistle-blowers, I suddenly want to take advantage of my second amendment rights. Do you have a gun I can borrow? <p> A hand gun, here in the Purple Pimp Mansion? Never. But my buddy Marvin can hook you up. Wait, he's in Minnesota on business this weekend. I'll have him call you. <p> Never mind, then. So secondly, remember what I said about how this affects not only the NFL, but fantasy leagues as well? Think about how the Eff You TD affects your touchdown only league. Last year, more teams than ever were involved at the trade deadline and contended for the playoffs. Lowly Arkdale went to the Super Bowl. Jeremy Bonk got e-mail! Now lets say that the Brady-led New York Lynx wins 12, and another East team locks up the wild card by week eight. Everyone else loses interest and the MFL suffers. But a Brady-less New York makes both the East division and the wild card an adventure. <p> Go on... <p> Now who would want there to be increased interest in the league, along with the implicit promise that anybody can win? Especially heading into next year's proposed expansion and division realignment? And who has Randy Moss on his team, the same Randy Moss who did not take the Sonny Liston dive like his teammate and should still put up decent numbers even without Brady? <p> ... <p> Someone who has big time leverage, since in 1994 he witnessed Roger Goodell smoke inhuman amounts of PCP and strangle an alcoholic drifter with a bicycle chain in order to get an erection? <p> ...?! <p> Here's a final hint: what drug did Alektra Blue give you earlier this evening? Special _ <p>I poured one final cognac. When I turned back around, she was gone. <p>And so I commit these words to paper. Right now, I don't know what I know, if you know what I mean. (And I don't.) But when it comes to conspiracy theories, these things I do know: Watergate happened, UFOs exist, and Sasquatch is real. Oh, and that he's probably taller than five foot seven in heels. <p>Regards, <p><i>The Purple Pimp</i> </font> </td> </tr> </table> </center> </body> </html>